(TL;DR)

My boyfriend (24m) and I (27f) got together almost two years ago. He was a virgin when we met, whereas I’ve had previous partners. I knew it would take time for him to find his sea legs in terms of confidence, preferences, etc., but I feel like I’m still waiting for… something? I’m beginning to worry about whether or not we’re compatible. Attempts at communication go very poorly. I divorced my ex husband several years back due in no small part to a dead bedroom, so I believe my boyfriend panics when I even hint at incompatibility.

Further details:

My bf turns me on visually and emotionally (i.e. I get turned on when I see him interact kindly with others, for example). When he tries to engage me in foreplay at his discretion, though, it feels either passive, half joking, or like I’m being pawed at by someone still incredibly inexperienced. After nearly two years of waiting for him to become more comfortable stepping into an active sexual role, this is frustrating.

It feels like my bf still doesn’t understand my body or how our bodies work together. To be blunt and brief, the way he touches me is unsatisfying. Oral sex feels kinda nice for a moment, but it’s ultimately unsatisfying. I have to position our bodies in bed, and if a position requires his engagement or assistance, we can’t do it. We can’t have sex in the spooning position despite trying more times than I can count.

I believe he used to make authentic noises, and I complimented the hell out of them, but now he seems to exaggerate his sounds which really takes me out of the mood. He moans when he’s only touching me, and that behavior has started to actively irritate me, but irritation seems like such an extreme overreaction that I hide it and feel guilt about it. He seems averse to the domineering, aggressive behaviors in the bedroom that I’m craving. I want him to try certain things, and when I’ve brought them up, he says he’s okay with them, but they never actually get tested out in the bedroom. I can only assume by his actions that he isn’t interested and lies to pretend otherwise or that he is interested but feels overwhelmed and unsure of himself. He (only occasionally) wants me to be domineering in the bedroom, and I feel so absolutely turned off by that.

I’ve engaged him in a few conversations about this over the past year. As stated in the TL;DR, those conversations don’t go very well. He’s receptive, and he doesn’t get defensive (only despondent), but there’s never any change either. Our most recent conversation necessitated so, so much reassurance that I’m not planning to break up with him. I feel like these talks only break down his self esteem while doing nothing for our sexual connection.

I’m confused and frustrated and hoping someone has literally anything they can offer as a tidbit of advice.