I’m sorry if it’s too long, I’ve tried everything to keep it as short as possible. Writing this was so cathartic. I had to acknowledge A LOT I think I was avoiding. Also, english is not my first language so I might make some mistakes.   

So I am almost 20. I consider myself a normal girl, even though I’ve been raised in a small town by a pretty conservative family. In my last year of high school I met a guy at a friend’s sister's birthday party. He stood up right away because even though I knew he was at least between 22 and 24 – 90% of the party was around that age– he really looked like a man. Like a proper man. In my young mind, he was everything I haven’t found in boys my age. I liked a classmate but at the end of the day he was so childish and dumb that it seemed I could never pass the crush status with him. 

But this guy was it. I found myself looking at his hands and till that day I’ve never paid attention to that. He grabbed his beer so nice that the large can looked tiny. And just having those thoughts made me so disgusted with myself. Like as if I was invading a territory that was supposed to be foreign to me. I didn’t belong there. Those beautiful confident girls around us were it. They were real women, they knew so much more and they all had the right to it. Yes, thinking of it now, it was a deep thought and it led to a more deep feeling growing in my being. I got so self conscious I felt the urge to lock myself in a bathroom and just concentrate on my breathing. 

Anyways, one thing led to another –the night was long and pretty eventful– and I ended up getting a text from him after the party. I don’t know what thing took over me (I have always been the shyest person ever) but after a couple of days I finally decided to not decline his incoming invitations. 

The thing is I quickly found out he had a thing for my ass. Or for asses in general. I still don’t know and I probably shouldn’t. The first night we had all alone –I couldn't consider it a date– he showed me what those “real men” do. Ofc he is a case in a million, I’m not generalizing because I like to, I still have debates and discussions with my 17 self and we don’t get along these days. 

I know people likes the detail and the how and where and when but from that night I just can collect what I thought I was living. I think I gave my consent in no explicit ways in plenty of opportunities so till this day I think of that as making love. Which has fucked my head since but whatever. Let’s say he didn’t think about it too much and went for my butt. We were still fully clothed –I had a dress, he was wearing basketball shorts and a shirt– when he stopped caring about looking at my face. His eyes never met my eyes again, which was a first blow to my silly self conscious self. I still can say “I’m ugly” and instantly picture him grabbing my arm to turn me around. I know I shouldn't, I know I’m not ugly. But it happens every time I think about other people or me being beautiful. 

I remember exactly what I was thinking when he placed himself back there. It didn’t make sense to me for a large couple of seconds. Of course, he felt massive for my tiny body. It wasn't hot for me, I don’t recall ever feeling like that before or after those couple of minutes. But he seemed to be having the time of his life. He kept pushing my waist and back so I could get more exposed at his will and then proceed to pull out and finish on the dots of my favorite dress. Days later I got the idea that I somehow managed to finish when he did and that’s what I was feeling at that moment. The other option was me blacking out. But it didn’t please my story around that time.

That's all we did for almost two years. I consented because after a couple of months I really got to enjoy it. Well, I was more into the foreplay, yes, but the actual fucking was almost every time a great fuck for him. And I put up with it because I lived to watch him get so much pleasure because of me. For a few minutes I felt like one of those girls. But that was it. Aside from those great moments, I felt like pure shit. I was confused about why he wouldn't even consider PIV, was it ugly? I came to the conclusion that he hated my face, or my neck, or my small chest and he felt like he wanted to punish me for it. He liked it rough, even though he could have been rougher with PIV because I was as tight as I could have possibly been. I didn’t even really like to finger myself (maybe I still don’t) so he could definitely get pleasure if that’s what he wanted.

I was too young to ask or to act. I’m an extremely easy person, I don’t like confrontation and I just gave myself up just for feeling wanted for a few moments. Couple of months ago I slid a comment about it and he told me that we’ve definitely fucked with PIV. He was absolutely lying. As if I could’ve missed it. Everything I knew was entirely because of him. That “little” confusion was impossible.

Long story short, weeks later he found a girl pretty similar to me and decided it was best to replace me. Ofc I felt like shit but then learn to take it as an opportunity to move on. By that point I was sure there was always something/someone better out there. I forced myself to think like that as I was becoming more anxious and depressed. 

So after a couple of months, I started to go out and to get closer again with my girlfriends. I know they’re not the most loyal and supportive friends (that’s for another time) but I also know that we are still young and we messed up a lot. One of them introduced me to one of her cousins, a boy a year older than me, and we got along super quick. He was fun and nice. And curious. We hooked up that same night and I know he almost could tell I had never had sex with PIV. While being inside of me he asked me if I was a virgin (before him, ofc). I said no and he looked at me smiling as if I was lying. I could’ve told him but I got so ashamed I wanted to die. What about your ass? he asked. And then I had to disappear. I was still there, forced to fake an orgasm, but my mind took a break. Just the idea of hinting to this unknown boy about my sexual history made my skin crawl. I didn’t want anyone to know what I put up for years. 

I didn’t keep in contact with him after that. Which nowadays I seem to regret because he was a nice guy. I’ve never had sex again. I locked myself and focused on school. I tried opening a profile in this popular sex app, thinking I could somehow please anyone else and maybe get something off it. I’m still there but I’m not as regular as I want to. People are nice but sometimes I feel very ashamed about it. They can tell I’m inexperienced and too naive for that kind of “job”. I don’t have many close friends so I often found myself just chatting for hours on the app. Like I yearn for simple human interactions. I do therapy but I don’t know how to even begin to tell my therapist about this.

Guilt is something I have to deal with to this day. It increased with that “relationship” and it became a bigger issue. I feel like I let him ruin all possibilities of me feeling beautiful and enjoying sex. After ending things with him, I cried myself to sleep almost every night, just thinking of the little joy I can get from mundane things. I don’t think a person could ever love me like I really want. I feel ugly and undesirable, lonely and pathetic.

I know I’m still young and I’m probably missing a lot of things but I feel I can’t do anything to overcome that. Even this took me ages to write. I want to experience the good things I read on this sub. But I can’t picture myself being happy or satisfied in the future, I don’t see myself in it at all. Am I too fucked up? Anyone felt like this before? Please help me