Hey there!

So, I'm looking for some help or insight as I'm currently lost with a bunch of feelings and problems. I'm a guy, early 30s, haven't had much success with women so far, still a v*rgin. After meeting a girl in late summer we hit it off and want to have sex. We've tried it a few times already but to no avail. A few things and worries straight from my mind:

I've got some problems with my masculinity, I don't feel manly or dominant enough even after going to the gym for almost a year now and being told that I've put quite a bit of muscle on. Might be because I'm on the shorter side as a guy which was always a problem for me. When we are making out and get some heat on, I get hard while in the pants but when I put a condom on I lost it. Even after a whole week of not masturbating it didn't seem to help. As a side note, I get harder and more full when masturbating compared to making out.

I used to be a heavy porn user, watching stuff at least daily and consumed stuff for hours each day but I dialed it down lately due to being more busy in life. The thing is, at times I'm also watching gay porn which gets me off pretty hard and then there are times where I don't want to see anything off it. Romantically I prefer women, the thought of kissing or being intimate with a guy is not for me. Hell, even while being in the changing room in the gym I don't look at guys, naked or not because I do not want to see it. Yet, when I'm at home I watch this stupid stuff with huge dongs because it turns me on. I also feel like my member is not big enough despite being quite a bit over average but I guess all the porn did a number on my brain. So my fear here is that I'm secretly gay or whatever kind of sexuality I might have.

I just don't get it, when I'm outside or training I can barely keep my eyes off the girls. I've also noticed some kind of misogyny being hard wired in my brain for some aspects that I've tried to work on but without success so far...