** also posted in r/ twoxchromosomes but awaiting moderator approval

if you go through my recent posts you'll know ive (19F) been having a rough time trying to figure out if im experiencing denial or if im in the trenches of ocd. im bisexual and have always preferred men but now im worried ive been in denial this whole time which I don't think I have been its just anxiety and fear about being wrong about myself. I should mention I have anxiety and depression and what I think is hocd with a sprinkle of rocd (if im not excited about xyz does that mean im actually a lesbian? if I didn't enjoy sex with him or didn't feel a spark when kissing him am I a lesbian?)

I recently started having sex with my boyfriend (back in august) and was at a point where my intrusive thoughts were not there and I enjoyed the moment. I know a lot of people describe sex as a very emotionally connecting activity, idk if ive felt that? it felt good and I enjoyed kissing him and being thrown around a bit by him (im kinda kinky; ropes, blindfolds and the like)

I know it feels good and I enjoy it, I think. I guess my question is how do I know if im enjoying it? this might be me seeking reassurance but im just really confused. before all these intrusive thoughts started we were mostly doing fingering and vibrator stuff with a bit of me getting tied up which I really enjoy and find fun. before when we first started doing all of that I felt butterflies and surges of electricity but as we continued in the relationship, like up to may ish that stopped happening then my intrusive thoughts kicked up in June after seeing a video of comphet which made me panic. read my other posts if you want more information.

I also am not great with eye contact in bed, Ive always closed my eyes if he's been fingering me or doing something to me, sometimes I will look down at him while he's eating me out, it doesn't increase the enjoyment but it does feel nice to look at him. I also don't get increased enjoyment from looking at his face or body while we fuck. I just enjoy feeing him going in and out and holding his body or his dick. in the shower together feeling his back and scrubbing it can sometimes get me going.

it could be us settling into the relationship more (we've been together for 8 months and this is my first really intense deep relationship, like he's the first guy ive ever made out with, first person to finger me, eat me out etc etc) I used to get turned on just by looking at him somedays when we first started dating, or just feeling him kiss me once, now it takes a bit longer but I do feel that initial horniness when I go to touch and kiss him. sometimes his beard pokes me a little and it is a tad bit annoying but it doesn't stop the experience.

im also wondering if anyone else started fantasizing about being dirty with their boyfriend after they were first sexual because before we started doing stuff I could never think of him in a sexual manner. I was also incredibly nervous about having sex for the first time, I grew up kinda religious so that might've been why. it made me cry being that anxious but ive always been anxious about big steps (ie uni for example). also I have trouble actually seeing images in my head when I fantasize but I know its my boyfriend if that makes any semblance of sense? also dirty talk used to have much more of an impact, now its just there, I do still respond and it makes me happy to hear him say things like "you're so tight, shut up and take it" and I also enjoy saying things like "I want you to fuck me, I want to sit on your dick" and moaning in his ear, im more vocal over text I think. I get too nervous about saying things out loud sometimes lol. all the dirty talk is still nice but it doesn't send the same waves of shock it used to. it turns me on if its foreplay and stuff and does feel good when we're going but doesn't get me to finish faster

I feel like our emotional connection comes more from outside of sex from the romantic standpoint, sex is fun and great and I enjoy pleasuring him and being pleasured by him

thank you so much for reading my yapping lol

TL;DR

how do I know if im enjoying sex with my boyfriend. I enjoy the penetration and touching him but idk if an emotional connection is there? I find we do it/fingering/oral whatever for pleasure, less for emotional connection. ive always been more emotional outside of sex.

is a lack of eye contact/ closing my eyes during sex/intimacy normal
is it normal for the electric feeling of sex and intimacy to fade but still find it fun

same goes for the dirty talking. its so fun to do but ive always been kinda awkward doing it? anxiety maybe and adhd

sexual fantasies, did you start having them before or after being intimate for the first time? also how clear are your fantasies? I feel the movements and can picture what he's saying ("you're so wet, you feel so good, shut up and take it") and it feels really nice and turns me on, some days early on it was enough to get me to reach for my vibrator, now its a nice thought that does pop up and turns me on slightly but not so much that I need to masturbate or tell him my fantasy

thank you ;-; <3