So I have only slept with two women. Both were very loving and long-term relationships. But our sex lives were very bland. The entire time I was in those relationships I would watch and masturbate to porn pretty much daily. I would only do it once a day then go about my day, so I don't see it as an addiction. But I was always wondering why I did it when I was having sex on a regular basis. When we did it we would always orgasm so clearly we were enjoying it. But I was still watching porn.

I realized recently that the sex we were having must not been fulfilling. It was very vanilla and almost mechanical. Just going through the motions. I could probably describe every time we had sex because it was pretty much the same thing. We never talked about sex outside the bedroom, and not even really in the bedroom. We just did it. There was no talking during it, we were just in the moment. No noises or anything. Nothing kinky or wild. Both of them would not even give me a blowjob. I asked about it at the beginning and they said they found it gross, so I never pushed the issue.

So how do I move forward? I would love to find somebody else and keep going. But I've learned that most people have a lot more experience and expectations than I do. And that doesn't even begin to cover the issues I have being a disabled person. So much to unpack and work through with that. I'm not looking for something wild and crazy, but how do I move down the paths to be a bit more than my limited experience has shown me?