I am in a long term relationship.

Growing up, I wanted a relationship so bad. I thought about kissing and holding hands. I don't really remember if I thought much about sex beyond the curiosity of it.

My parents bought me a book when I was younger instead of giving me the talk, and I was caught exploring bodies with a friend, trying to figure out penetration. I think we were maybe 8 or 9.

Sex has always been an issue for me and my partner. I have always assumed I have a low libido and need them to instigate intimacy. I also wonder if I don't enjoy it much because we were both virgins, and it is always uncomfortable and over quick, rarely pleasurable.

I find myself watching porn and thinking how fun it looks, and how I want to experience that. Ofc I know porn is nothing like real sex, but it turns me on and makes me more interested in engaging. Early on in our relationship when my partner would get upset about sex, I would sneak some porn to get me in the mood so I was more likely to instigate it.

I don't think I've ever looked at another person, not even my partner, and thought I want to have sex with them. But again, I wonder if this would be different if I had had good experiences with sex.

In the past I have been intimate with someone who was a lot more experienced. We didn't have sex, but they were a very sexual person. Always telling me what they want to do, how they feel about me. I've never touched them, but they've touched me and given me oral. We never went all the way, but I would catch myself thinking about it. The more time I spent around them, the sexier I felt, and the more turned on.

I think I like the idea of sex, but there's just something not quite sparking the obsession the world seems to have with it.

I am scared what this means for my current relationship. My partner has admitted in the past that they were happy with everything else, and so were willing to accept that our libidos or whatever were different. But if I decided I was Ace, idk if they would understand or accept that. I think they would feel betrayed, or robbed of the years they could have had sex with someone else. They said something early on that always stuck with me, that we're only young once, and if we weren't ever going to have that level of intimacy, to let them know. We have since matured and moved way beyond this conversation, and I doubt they would even remember it, but I guess I have been harbouring guilt over it all these years.

Sometimes I regret not having sex with this other person, just to see what would happen. I do still think about them, and fantasize about them.

I'm just really confused.