I’m not really sure how to start this. I don’t know what’s going on in my head.

I’ve always just thought by default how my life would go - I would have a traditional “marriage and white picket fence” with a man. I enjoy and want to continue pursuing men, and I love (and I mean love) dick and could not give it up.

But I just have these thoughts and feelings where like, I don’t feel attracted to women the same as I do with men but I have these moments where I will just take a few seconds to look if I get the chance and sometimes (as I was tonight) really drawn to this woman’s vibe or sometimes it’s certain physical features.

I don’t ever see myself being in a relationship with a woman or bringing one around my family as a significant other, but I’m really drawn to the idea of having a long term partner that’s a man and having threesomes with another woman and that she’d be for me to have some extra fun with.

But I also don’t even know if this is something I could ever act on. When I think about doing it I get this sense of shame and as if I would only do it as long as I knew no one would ever find out. Which is surprising considering how open I am about my opinions on being gay being considered okay or normal. Alas, I do have this fantasy in my head of me eating another woman’s pussy for the first time and what it must taste and feel like and that hopefully I would please her.

Most people around me are very chill and laid back about it and I don’t think would judge me for it but I still get nervous about it. Like there’s a dark feeling of guilt there with the thought of it.

I really wish the world were different about things like this. I’m internally battling whether or not this “new/different kind of fun” is something worth pursuing and my mind is filled with all these thoughts that make me wish to never say anything about it.

Is it just some fantasy? Why do I want to push it down so much when I’m so openly in support of others doing what they please? What are these thoughts and feelings? Can someone explain or give insight/advice?