I’ve known my FWB for about a year and a half now. Initially we hooked up a couple times completely sober, but after that its gradually gotten more messy. We’ve hooked up a couple times when we were both tipsy or I’m tipsy and she’s high. But there’s also been times where I’m not inebriated, or not as much as her, and she was out drinking or something and we agreed to meet.

I’ve always done my best to make sure she isn’t too inebriated and judge her body language, make sure she’s enthusiastic during our meetups, etc. I’ve never been with her while she’s so inebriated that she can’t talk or isn’t an active participant in sex. I’ve started prepping water for her when she gets to my place because I want her to sober up if she needs to. And yet every single time I drop her off, I feel weird about it the next day. I do struggle with anxiety/OCD symptoms so I’m sure that contributes to it, but it really sucks and I wish I felt as comfortable about it as she did.

The last time we met up, I had reached out to her and asked if she was free, she was at the bar but said she would be down to hang out. I picked her up while I was stone cold sober, and brought her water. She was a little tipsy but seemed fine, she was talkative and sipped a bit of my water, and was an active participant that night. I dropped her off and just felt so uncomfortable the next day that I reached out to her to ask her about her boundaries when it comes to sex and alcohol/weed. Essentially she told me she has no problems having sex while high or tipsy, and that if she did, she wouldn’t do it. That made me feel better, and we said we would see each other soon.

We saw each other again last night. I initially texted her when I was drunk but started to sober up. She responded back and was pretty clearly drunk, mistyped a word in her response but still responded and said she wanted to. It was a couple hours by the time she made it to my place and I was pretty much sober. Again I got her some water, she drank some of it, used the restroom and then we cuddled on the couch for a while. She got high intentionally before we did our thing. Again, she was talkative and an active participant, I made sure she wanted to do what we were doing by checking in occasionally, etc. I dropped her off and immediately felt anxious again.

Is there anything I can do to make this dynamic safer? Is this relationship just not a good fit for me/not safe?