My wife and I have struggled with mismatched sex drives for a while. Personally, I believe that we both have come to a solid place of understanding where (in very cliffnotes fashion).

• she knows I need it more frequently than she does. It's a form of connection for me- mental spiritual physical emotional. When that connection has been too long without, then something feels wrong. And that I am never upset with her when she isn't in the mood and I am.

• I know that sex is not the main way she communicates love (also isn't the second third or fourth way on some days). She needs a lot more wind up time before she is ready. And she finds it much easier to get in the mood if she approaches me first.

So, I try my darnedest to let her approach me. Which is very difficult because she is so very very very sexy to me. Like "pick my tongue up off the floor" when she is doing virtually nothing hot. She also doesn't like being called "hot" or "sexy" too much because she doesn't like feeling objectified. Which I get, but I'm also not seeing her as an object- I'm expressing to her how attractive she is in an animalistic magnetic sexually charged way.

So, virtually every time my wife have a sexual encounter, it begins with her timidly telling me "I'm not sure where this will go yet" to which I always tell her something like "whatever you're feeling up to is fine with me" or "whatever we do will be fun" or the slightly humorous "do with my body what you will".

We get into some making out, heavy petting. She starts getting herself, I get myself. And if she is feeling open and relaxed enough to where it will feel pleasant, then we have actual intercourse.

If we even get to the bed- her getting herself is where things tend to go off the rails. And if she is not in the mood she is not in the mood. But there are plenty of times when I can sense her brain tensing up, like she is thinking too much and not tuning into her body. Idk everything she is thinking about but I guarantee one of them is "get there get there get there hubby is in the mood." Which again, I never make her feel pressured, so the stress is completely from within on her part.

I KNOW she seldom if ever masturbates outside of when we are trying to have intercourse. Which, no judgment, but if she explored her body a bit more often, wouldn't it be more helpful for her? If she were on the road more often than twice a year (yes that's basically how often we have sex at this rate) then it might be easier when she does get behind the wheel.

So, I thought for her a vibrator might be helpful. To get her beind the wheel more often and explore herself. Because in addition to her getting into her head, I watch her physically tense up when she is getting close to completion like she's worried something bad is going to happen.

But, a) I've never bought a vibrator, so I have no idea what to look for (b) pretty sure my wife has never used one so I'm not sure what a good "starter" vibrator would be (c) not sure if it's something i should even get for her or if it's something to buy together (because it's something she won't buy left completely to herself).

Thoughts?