Pretty much as the title says.

I've always loved to think about sex. I love to talk & joke about sex. I love to watch, learn, & read about sex. But somehow, all of this doesn't translate to my actually ENJOYING sex.

I thought it was just my current relationship (which is admittedly kind of a disaster inside the bedroom & out of it), but as I look back on my sexual history, I'm starting to realize that maybe this was always the case & I just sort of...missed it. I've only ever been able to experience genuine sexual pleasure with partners while under the influence of alcohol or cannabis (particularly the latter, which usually gives me better natural lubrication & much stronger orgasms). When I use neither, I'm pretty much indifferent & sex becomes an awkward, often painful chore. I've been trying to "practice" having 100% sober sex recently -- all it does is make me bitter & bored. It's like I can't derive any physical pleasure from the act at all. I distinctly remember one encounter in my early 20s where the guy was giving me his all, but my mind wandered to changing the curtains in my bedroom & what I needed from the grocery store.

I know that the relationship I'm in now -- in which I can rarely ever bring myself to have sex, but my partner is used to it -- won't last forever, so I worry about a future in which I'll meet someone I like & be expected to perform regularly. I don't want to have to always get drunk or high in order to be fully engaged.

Is this a problem for any other women? Could I be some variation of asexual? I've also recently realized I might have undiagnosed ADHD; could that be the issue? (It seems like ADHD affects literally every other aspect of my life, so I wouldn't be surprised).