I’m so ready for this. For reinventing myself. For giving myself permission to live a beautiful life. An life where I do all the things I want, even just day to day. I struggle with enjoyable things because they don’t have a “concrete purpose” as I am very analytical and critical, of what I think to be frivolous wastes of time, or materialistic. But in reality.. I’m jealous of that. And I STILL waste my time doing NOTHING. It makes no sense!

So this is me giving myself permission. Permission to be pulled together, the self care, quitting smoking, working out and feeling healthy and attractive. Reminding myself that I’m not existing for the male gaze just because I want to look and dress and present myself in a certain way, and that attractiveness doesn’t lower my worth (I don’t know how I came to this conclusion, but probably more jealously-fueled-negativity). No more comparing myself to other women, other experiences, namely my husbands exes and experiences. That I’m still great in the present regardless of his past (again, don’t know how I came to this conclusion, but a dead bedroom and rejection probably plays into this, they’re ugly thoughts and feelings). I’m ready to be more involved with my kids instead of being on autopilot all the time.

I’m ready.