I (19m) have a step-incest fetish, but I'm realizing I don't know if it's actually a kink for that.

I'm only now realizing my mother was intensely emotionally incestual toward me, and at a few points possible actually incestual.

She would complain to me frequently about her marriage, telling me she only stayed with my dad for his money, talking about sexual things, etc.

I genuinely cannot think of the person I am without my mother. I can't. It feels like my entire life has been spent in service to "fixing" her. She was horribly abused as a child and I'm worried I have a gaping mother wound now.

She has threatened to assault me while drunk, albeit not many times. She has cussed at me when nobody else was around, saying things like "HOW IS IT JUST IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO NOT F*** UP?!" Over what was effectively an accident. She has actively mouthed the words I am "supposed" to say to her in response to her asking something.

She has frequently brought up money and used it as a tool to get me to agree with her and do things her way, or for her to make me feel guilty.

I'm realizing I have been guilty for more or less my entire lifetime. My earliest memory is of me at 9 years old bashing my own head against a wall because I didn't feel like I had received a big enough punishment for doing something wrong.

Then comes down to the actual incest...it's nothing serious thank Christ, but she has regularly slapped me on my ass and flat out told me she "loves that butt." She has made "jokes" about how I will always love her the most, even more than my potential future wife. She has kissed me while she was drunk in front of all of my friends, and drunkenly talked about how "that was a greasy kiss."

(Yeah my friends called me Oedipus until the end of the semester.)

And finally, she made a woman kiss me while knowing that I was underage because she thought it was funny, she questioned why I would spit out two shots of vodka that someone had fed to me on bourbon street at 17 years old, and finally the worst of it.

She held my head in her hands, and she told me to kiss her. I kissed her on the cheek, she said "give me a real one". I kissed her on the cheek again. She told me to give her a real one. She refused to let go of my head or release me until I kissed her on the lips.

I called a friend of mine on the way to my apartment and basically just said "I think my mom sexually assaulted me." I didn't consider it at first but then I thought of it happening as a father and a daughter, and that would absolutely be sexual assault.

I say this because I don't think I have a step incest fetish necessarily; I like dominant women and I have a gaping hole where my mother nurturing me in a healthy way was supposed to be. Instead it's been filled with perversion as a result of my abuse and trauma.

I don't know if any of this would be considered abuse but that's what I'm working with as the theory.

TLDR; I was abused and emotionally incest growing up and I'm going to pursue a lot of therapy in April when I get some more cash, because incest is disgusting. I don't have an actual fetish for it, I don't think so, I'm pretty sure it's just a consequence of intense mommy issues, emotional neglect, and emotional incest that has been perverted into this to try to make up for what I never had.