I had a shitty childhood; and as a result I have zero close relationships. I've been a total mess since highschool. I've made a lot of improvements, but I still have a ways to go. I weighed 335lbs when I got my diploma; I'm 220lbs now. I was using cocaine and meth daily. I still drink at least once a week, and smoke weed in the evenings; but I haven't even touched any hard drugs in almost a year. I had a job in a factory for the past 2 1/2 years. It was brutal, but I did it. I tried finding therapists. After much failure, I found one who seemed to understand what I was going through; but I couldn't get appointments around my work schedule. My boss was not at all understanding about me needing time off. So eventually I had to stop seeing her. I ended up getting fired in November for missing too much work. The biggest thing that got to me was that nobody saw the effort I was putting into improving. I have nobody to celebrate my victories; when I fail, I have nobody to turn to for comfort and support. Now I'm back to being broke and unemployed; and I genuinely see no point in putting in any more effort to get better. There's never going to be a place in this world for me. I'm not suicidal, I wouldn't do that to the people I care about; but I genuinely no longer see a point in ever leaving my bedroom again. Thank you if you read all that; I really needed to let it out and had nowhere else to say it.