To start off, I am sorry if I ramble a bit but there are certain minor details that stick out to me.

So I don't think I ever shared this as it has been bottled up a bit, but I have not been ok since 2008 (with some respite in between). To set the stage my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2008. I remember it as we got a modem for the computer and pulled into either the Verizon parking or maybe Kmart in my hometown and my dad told me he had cancer. Faster forward and my dad has been getting sicker and we stopped by Radio Shack. My mom quibbled over not wasting money on Forrest Mims Notebooks. But my dad said I should get it. Fast forward a tad bit more and he is sicker. I am in front of the TV and was watching CNBC (even at that young age I had a penchant from the market) and watched as Lehman Brothers imploded real time, followed by Detroit (we were in Michigan at the time, so obviously that was big). Fast forward even more and just as my dad was slipping I made him a promise that I still plan to keep. He then passed in spring of 2009. I went to church groups, was kind of ignored after trying to get out of my shell, and I kind of stayed there. My dad was a wise man and it felt like when he left and the Financial Crisis happened, followed by rejection, I never felt the same and I bit from the apple, human nature, which up to this point had been obscured. Fast forward and I was diagnosed with pddnos (an autism disorder). After this I did make some good friends, before the one went to jail (still friends), but once he came out he was not the same. I still love him dearly, but it seems like anything/anyone I can relate to has something happen.

After my dad passed and the youth group thing, I grew up and became my own dad of sorts. This is not to blame my mom, but the world is a dangerous place, and that is why I needed to understand how the economy and society works. After that, I kind of closed myself off for the most part and outside of maybe a hacker space or a few slips here or there I don't let people know what is on my mind. One exception was when I was still young and my cousin ran across one of my papers I had written about alternative energy. He seemed shocked I think or maybe bewildered. Beyond that I mostly kept my thoughts or ideas to myself. Outside politics and some philosophy I did that with my mom as well. I tried to keep my thoughts, ideas, and things hidden and mask as being "normal".

What started to crack this was a night I had about 6 shots and 6 drinks (beers and other things). I threw up outside a bar. I tried to get my mind off my ex and well I threw up. However, a woman came over to me and asked if I was alright and I said I was fine. But it struck me. That I had let a dark part of me go and a stranger gave a shit. Also not long after something somewhat religious happened that just seemed like wtf, so I will skim over that but it was something that was so out of place p, but reunited me with my faith.

Since that day I have been working on my emotional life. Keeping the previous story in mind, how can I learn to open up and let go of things from the past? Previously emotions felt like a weapon that was used against me, but I have realized that is not always the case and I am trying to let go of the bottled up emotions I have felt. It hurts but I realize it is the only way forward.