I know that this probably doesn´t belong in this community, however I´ve got bassically noone to talk with and with those I could talk with about this problem, I don´t want to because I´m feared that if I show weakness or that if expose my struggles to my friends, that they will have a different view on me.

I have the feeling that my family and the society form me into a person that I don´t want to be. My life is marked by injustices that I can barely influence. The most obvious and most hurting of these injustices is my relationship with my family and how I´m being reviewed by my parents. Basically since my birth I´m standing in the shadow of my sister. My parents value education very high. Although I got better grades, I am much more sportif than she is and that I got a very good social life I´m being reviewed as the failure in the family. Every argument, every complicated situation is turned into me being the problem. I don´t know why my parents do that. Everytime I try to communicate the way I feel about this, my mother tends to ignore me. And she does that in a very obvious way. She just switches the topic like asking me what I will cook today or if I could clean the house, showing me that she really doesn´t give a shit about how I´m feeling. And if I tell her that she should stop ignoring me, she listens to what I´m saying, nods her head and just says: "Okay.". And that´s all. She never responds, showing me (again) that she doesn´t care about me at all. And I seriously don´t get that.

I always had the perception that parents are supposed to make you feel loved, but somehow my parents make me feel like shit, which I´d like to think I am not. I am not shit. I feel like they should be proud of me but instead they push me down.

I overcame depression all by myself. I´m disabled since my birth but never made a thing out of it. I basically beared every challange life has giving me ALONE. That´s why I think I´m a strong person and I don´t get why my parents don´t view me as such. I just want them to be proud of me. And I´m giving my all. I´m trying my hardest but they don´t recognize my effort, neither my results.

And that´s why the urge to just give a fuck, drink much alcohol, smoke and hurt anyone that bothers me is so tempting.

I don´t want to hurt me or others but it´s really hard to not do so.

It´s just that I really really want to become a better human being but that the circumstances are holding me back. Everything seems to be working against me and I don´t know how long I can withstand the urge to destroy myself and everything in my environment.