I am a self-harmer with strong self sadomasochistic urges. I have been in a relationship for nearly 20 years that has been degrading into more and more violent arguments over the past 13 or 14 years. I had my self-harming under control for nearly 25 years until last summer when I burnt myself on my left ankle several times. The most recent act of self-harming was a few weeks ago when I burnt myself with a cigarette after another violent argument. I had kicked out the guy, told him its over, and tried to end the cycle but took him back again this morning. Now I want to burn myself for being so stupid and agreeing to fix something that I don't think can be fixed. Why is it so hard to find peace of mind so I can heal my mind and heart and stop burning myself for emotional release? I swear it's worse than being suicidal.