I'm trying my best to get help, I have a mental hospital help line to call but everyday the thoughts of hurting myself more and more grow, like I don't do cutting which already my brain is going "that's not really self harm"

But like punching my legs until they are numb radiates such a nice pain that makes things feel so much better for a little bit, it's like a drug and I hate it cause my brain is also going "do more! Crash your bike" and it feels like only my friends understand how scared I am but the professionals don't seem to care cause I don't cut myself

I am seriously so grateful for my friends even if I feel so deeply guilty for leaning on them like this, and I am so glad this is here as a safe place that can allow me to vent