i've been sitting here for an hour psyching myself out to do this, so here goes

i've cut myself multiple times over the past month because of an unstable friendship i'm in. we've been friends for a year and a half, and we used to be/ still are very close. his mental health has never been the best and i've always been there for him. my mental health has never been the best either, and he was there for me as well, until maybe 6 months ago. i don't blame him, as in that time he's taken a turn for the worst, and that's okay. i've done my best to be there for him and help him as best i can, however lately our friendship has gotten sort of rocky. ive started to go downhill, and i've felt incredibly tired. lately i've felt like his mental health spiral is because of me. i cut. i don't want to hang out very often anymore, which makes him feel like he did something to make me upset or not like him. i cut. i've tried to say things about how i feel, but he's unintentionally made me feel unimportant. i believe it. i cut. nobody ever asks me if i'm okay or how i'm doing and i've forced myself to believe that i'm meant to go through this alone and that i don't deserve the help i give others. i 100% believe i don't matter. i cut. i'm still trying so hard to make sure he's okay because i force myself to believe he's more important than i am. i've barely gotten any sleep and i'm so tired and everything hurts, and i feel like i'm barely trying to save this friendship. hes said it himself. i believe him. he used to be there for me... but he doesn't even ask how i'm feeling. i'm not upset about it because that's petty. i know he's going through it. but i feel like i completely don't matter because this has happened every time i get close to someone: how i'm feeling never once matters. i believe it doesn't. i cut. idk how to get out of this cycle, i've been like this for as long as i remember. i've cut every day for a week and gotten maybe 6 hours of sleep total. i hate myself for having emotions and feel selfish for feeling this way. i cut.

sorry for the long post. i guess this is just me letting out two months worth of emotion. sorry.