My boyfriend died on Wednesday night from a really bad seizures. I didn't find out until the next day. My heart has been ripped apart, ripped out of me, and all I want right now is to be where he is. I know that's not what he would want me to do. (He knew about my past cutting problem.) I'm just hurting so much and nothing can make the pain go away. I've been considering seeing a therapist for my grief, but I feel I'm on the verge of a relapse. I keep thinking about I can sneak razors into the house that I can use. God Idk if it's b/c I want to die, be wherever he is so I can see him again, or just not hurt so much. Even if I don't slit my wrists, I still feel the urge to cut, just to numb myself or something.