It started when I planned a weekend birthday trip to meet my now ex-partner who I was in a long distance relationship with. Things weren’t always the smoothest due to their mental health struggles, but I tried to always be understanding, as one should. Planning this trip was a big step for both of us. Anyway, I bought the bus tickets, booked the hotel room, etc to meet up with them. Things went great on the way down, we talked for the whole 8 hour bus ride I took and they even picked me up at the bus depot when I got in town. Then we went out for breakfast. It seemed to be okay, but when we got back to the hotel they told me to go inside and they would be inside shortly. They never came inside. They blocked me on social media (a common thing). So there I was, stuck in a hotel for 2 days by myself.

I was handling it relatively okay for a few days, I was hurt but I tried to be understanding. I was worried I put too much pressure on them unintentionally to do things they weren’t ready for. I was more concerned with how they were than how I was doing myself. Then I got home and I guess everything just hit me. I broke down and cried and self harmed. I even had to call in to work one day because I couldn’t handle it. I was self harming daily, several times. It wasn’t good, but it was my idea of coping and not thinking about it anymore. If I distracted myself with physical pain I wouldn’t think about the mental pain. After more than a week things seemed to go back to normal, we started talking again and things were going okay.. for a few days.

Then today happened. We had another brief incident where I got blocked and everything last night, but they unblocked me and everything today. I thought we were going to be good, that it was a bad mental health day but that’s it. That wasn’t it. They broke up with me. I understand why, but I don’t like it. We both agreed it felt like we were going to end up together forever and I was hoping we could work through all our issues. I self harmed as soon as I got home from work, then again a few hours ago. I hate myself for it. I hope they get the help they need for their mental health. They want to try to be friends, but I know from the past I don’t do that well. I want to try because I do love them platonically even if I can’t romantically. But.. I just don’t know. I don’t want to be friends and see them potentially date someone else in the future. I don’t want to see them doing things knowing I should be with them. I want to think if we do remain friends maybe in the future we can try again, but I know realistically that’s probably not going to happen.

I’m sorry we didn’t work out Ash, no matter what happens between us I’m never going to forget you.