When I was in college I took a stress management class and one of the things I learned that really stuck with me was when the professor handed out these rubber bands to the class and we put them on our wrists and she told us whenever we had a bad thought we should pull back the rubber band and hit ourselves. At the time, I thought in my head, "lol I should hit myself like 1,000 times because of all the bad thoughts I have daily." I liked the idea, but I didn't like wearing it everyday. Plus, I wasn't into cutting during that time. I really didn't like myself or what I was doing, so I tried to hang myself on my bunk bed with a scarf, but of course it didn't work. I confessed to my mother and I told her not to tell anyone else. This was the first time I brought it up with anyone else. I don't remember being suicidal before college. It wasn't until I went back home and I started to hate myself again. I had a horrible job. One night when I had a really bad day at work, I came home and was so sad that I didn't know what to do with myself. I always knew that cutting was a way to release emotional pain. But I didn't know what to cut with. I went to the kitchen and got a knife. I started on my upper thighs because no one would see them. I remember the euphoric release of the pain I was feeling inside. It was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. That feeling reminds me of the way trance music makes me feel. Especially "Gouryella" by Gouryella and "Maelstrom" by Hausman. Whenever I listen to trance I feel like I am flying. It's like I'm riding in a car looking out the window staring at the distant mountains imagining myself flying in the empty air between the sky and the desert floor. It was like this feeling made me feel better. So whenever I felt an overwhelming feeling of sadness that I couldn't control I went to cutting to make me feel better about the internal pain. I tried using an actual blade, but it was too rusty so I had to resort to the thin needles you use to sow or nail screws. I mostly used the sowing needles. Sometimes I did it so deep that I still have scars on my thighs even months later. Then one day I saw these horrific pictures on twitter of someone's arm opened up from cutting and stitches. I had the most horrible feeling in my body when I saw those pictures. I felt like throwing up. I felt weak to my knees. It was not a good feeling. I didn't want to cut myself that deeply. I just wanted scars on my flesh to remind me of what I've overcome. Overtime I stopped and only did it when I was really really sad and overwhelmed by bad emotions. Now that I'm in a different situation I use a rubber band and wear one everyday, just in case I feel really bad about myself on any given day. I feel like there's a safety net around me when I wear it because it can just be small welts and they disappear after a while so it's not scarring. If I don't wear it then I would have to pinch myself to get that same high/release. I was just wondering if anyone else on here wore one too.

Also, what does DAE mean? I saw it in the labels.