I am 20 yrs old ftm and haven’t harmed in over 2 years. In my younger years from 11-17 I had been hospitalized 12 times. I thought i was healed. I had one attempt where the doctors didn’t know if I was going to make it and I’ve always thought that was my moment and reason to keep going strong. now everything is weighing down on me and I have no idea why I relapsed. im so scared my fiance is going to see and want to talk about it. im not ready to talk about it. I want to be strong but im so angry at the world that i feel i need to take the anger out on myself. I don’t want to snap at others and i thought this would make me feel like i used to after. now im just waiting for the next chance to do it again. what the fuck do I do now.