I don't want to burden anyone of course but I'm tired of people just being people. I'm upset that I feel less then a person right now while everyone else is being a person. They are probably suffer just as much and hide it pretty well but I am tired. I'm tired of hiding, I'm tired of being in misery, I'm tired of just waiting for something to finally take me out of this fucking world. I don't want to be here and I'm tired of feeling like I am suffering alone. I know I'm not btw trust me my entire family and friends and all the people around me are suffering. I just feel like I want to be selfish. I want chaos but I want to be ignored and left out of it. Like watching a fire and everyone escaping but I just want to sit there and watch it burn.

This sounds pretty bad and weird, shit I've even considered writing on the bathroom walls that "I want to kill myself" and/or "I'm tired of living". In big black Sharpe, maybe even add some of my blood to the wall to help it set in. Watching my school scrabble around student saying "oh remember to take deep breaths", "everyone always remember that the counselor is available for you", "Life is so worth living". It would bring me so much relief? That the pain was being beard and now the adults are forced to care for people they ignored including me. I feel like I'm going crazy. Absolutely loco.

I'm so stressed, so tired, and I'm just ready for some relief. Can't afford therapy, mom losing her job, I don't even know if I can secure a job with all these scars (lifegaurding), friend group is splitting everywhere, my cat has a baby and we can't afford a vet along side my family making me figure it all out since I'm some fucking Cat Wishper (I NEED HELP YOU STUPID PEOPLE, HOW ABOUT YOU GOOGLE IT WHILE IM HAVING LITERAL PANIC ATTACKS OVER IF THE KITTEN IS HEALTHY OR ALIVE OR IS GONNA BE ABLE TO SURVIVE THE SUMMER HEAT), I can't sleep until late at night, I have no will to keep living and thinking about making an official plan, I want to move out but I'm still in high school, I haven't talked to my online friends in more then 3 weeks and I can't go back to them without feeling like I am going to vomit and I feel like a burden and they don't need me in their lives, and I have no energy anymore and my teachers are getting upset with me.

Anyways, 20 more days until summer guys!!~♡