I know that I knew what I was getting myself into when I started self-harm. I knew that I would continue growing my collection of scars until I physically could not scar anymore. I am a junior now. I am about to enter the adult world as I turn 18 soon. My first job may become my first rejection as I don't even know if I am going to be able to cover my scars Infront of hundreds of 3 to 14 year olds and honestly my employer may think I am fucking insane. Its not an easy thing, trust me if it was then I would just slap a bandage on these bad boys and call it a day. My arms, my legs, my torso, even the back part of my hand is covered in scars. Healed but very apparent. Wanna know what my dumb ass tried to do, I tried to even donate blood. I was 2 months clean, perfectly healthy, but I fucked it up my relasping a week before and thinking "Oh it didn't even scar or bleed I'll be fine", nope. Doctor saw right through it and said the normal "sorry but we can't risk anything" (Ps. Im not mad just felt really dumb for thinking I could still do it, Im a pretty stupid kid i know)

I wanted to be a lifeguard but I couldn't past the test and ended up going home and relapsing right after. I know I can do it but why would I do it all for nothing. Just to be seen my a student's parent and sent to the office? I knew there was going to be trouble and now I can't get it out of my head! I just set up a meeting with my employer to ask if I can be placed in a different position even if it is a lower paying position. I really hope he doesn't ask for medical clearance on it since I haven't told my mom and my doctors know but they just never acknowledged it.

I just wish things haven't be so hard recently and the only hope that I had for holding on, the hope that getting a job meant that I finally had control over some element of my life, I hope I didn't fuck it up just because of some scars. I have so much doubt, so my insecurity, at this point I just want to apply for MAID in canada and get it over with.