I'm at the point where I am just saying fuck it to trying to cover my scars 24/7 and the only time I cover them is when they are less then a week healed. My brain knows it's a bad idea to get caught but gosh how I want someone to feel sympathetic for me. Between the social isolation, trying to battle the intrusive thoughts, trying to keep up with my school stuff, and just everything. I feel so unimportant, so easily replaceable. I haven't talked to any of my online friends in 5 days, I've been trying to keep up the mask for my irl friends, I'm trying to keep up with chores at home for my mom.

I can't do it, I can't fucking doing it. I want to get admitted so bad. I want to go back to the mental hospital. It's horrible to say and it's probably wrong to. But I want someone to see and report it so I can see someone care about me. See someone give me attention and see that I am in pain and I am suffering.

I can feel the way of replaces coming since I had a doc appointment to day and ofc they commented on my weight. Now I feel like I need to start purging constantly again. These thoughts are becoming my actions and soon my actions are gonna kill me. I know that no one is obligated to just comfort and reach out first because that's not their job. I am their friend and I should be able to get it together. I'm a horrible inconsistent and such an inconvenience to have as a companion.

I hope someone gets me admitted into the mental hospital again. At least they cared for me there. At least there were other kids like me there. At least I wasn't alone and It's probably sick to say but I felt loved. I FELT SO FUCKING LOVED THERE. And all they did was their job. Make sure we didn't try to kill ourselves and if we were on go behavior, we would get out with in two weeks. I want love. I want it so bad. Please gosh I don't know how much I can take.