I (25F) recently started hanging out with these four girls who are also in their mid-20’s. We met through this one girl (Simone) who was close with another girl (Yolanda) and knew the two other girls (Jenn and Alice) in passing. Yolanda is Persian and the rest of us are white. We started out pretty strong, even all going to a rave together early on, but I noticed some of Yolanda’s behavior made me a bit uncomfortable.

The first time we all hung out Yolanda started trauma dumping about how all her old friends left her when she became sick (Crohn’s Disease) and how she hadn’t really had reliable friends since. A little heavy for the first time meeting but it’s whatever.

We established a group chat where Yolanda was a big contributor. So much so that I noticed when I or another member of the group were having a conversation she would immediately hijack it by changing the subject to something about her or sending an unrelated meme or snap.

I found this mildly annoying but the breaking point for me was when I found out my ex had married the girl he cheated on me with and I messaged the group for support. He had blocked me on everything and I had found out on Venmo that they got married in June and even though it had been years it was still really upsetting. Everyone was supportive but then Yolanda (who hadn’t previously been in the conversation) sent a snap of her cat and the focus once again shifted to her.

I took that really personally because I could see it becoming a pattern and I started to be a bit standoffish with her in the group chat (ie. not really engaging with her shitposting). Also because she had messaged us about a problem she was having at her job just a week before and we all talked about it for hours. I even offered to refer her to my company if hers got too toxic but she couldn’t even let me have my moment when I was literally in tears.

Hanging out with her in person was a bit better but she would constantly complain about her appearance which would ensue in other members of the group telling her she’s beautiful and perfect. After multiple times it really started to seem attention-seeking. It was especially triggering to me when she would complain about being too skinny because I’ve always struggled with my weight and been in and out of ED treatment for years.

A couple months went by and we both became very passive aggressive with each other to the point where there was obvious tension. I’m also socially awkward in general and often put my foot in my mouth. Other than the frenemy situation everything seemed fine in our group and we hung out pretty regularly.

I had a party roughly two weeks ago which everyone came to except Yolanda who cryptically said she wouldn’t be able to make it. Everything went well with the people who did make it and Alice mentioned that we should do a beach trip for her birthday the following Saturday. But in the next week the dynamic changed completely.

Yolanda had gone out of town on a family trip and had stopped messaging the group chat as much, which I didn’t think anything of. But then everyone else started to withdraw a bit too. I reached out to Alice to ask if we were still going to the beach and she said most people weren’t available but we might go out to a club or something and she’d keep me posted. I told her I’d keep the day open and if nobody was around I’d take her to dinner for her birthday.

Saturday rolls around and I don’t hear anything all morning so finally I message her at noon. She texts me back a few hours later letting me know that nothing’s going on. Nobody had sent anything in the group chat for a couple days now and it felt like something was up.

On Monday I see that one of Simone’s friends had posted a picture on Instagram of a bunch of people at the beach including Simone, Alice, and Jenn. I’m an anxious wreck at this point so I message Simone and point blank ask her what’s going on. She tells me that “Yolanda revealed many insensitive things I said to her about her Persian culture and ethnicity” as well as a couple unintentionally dumb things I had said to Simone. I immediately apologized and was really taken aback by the cultural implications as I know I have no bias towards Persians or any other culture.

I was able to take responsibility for my actions toward Simone and she even apologized for her message coming off more harsh than she had intended. I suggested we could meet up to to talk in the future but that I’d give her some space for now.

I also messaged Yolanda to apologize for anything I might have said that came off as culturally insensitive and ask for clarification so I could correct my behavior in the future. She told me that I seemed “weirded out any time she talked about Iran or cultural stuff” and that I had suggested her family was toxic and controlling. I don’t remember too much about that conversation but she was complaining about how her parents constantly monitored her and I had said something along those lines to validate her not to criticize her culture.

I offered to take her to dinner so we could discuss this further but she said that might be weird for her. I’ve run this situation by a lot of my other friends (some who are also in minority groups) and they seem to think accusing me of being racist is just a cop out to get the other girls on her side. I take this accusation very seriously and based on the evidence I’ve been given something really doesn’t add up.

I’m just so devastated that the people I thought were my friends were so eager to cut me out just on the word of one person. They don’t even seem interested in hearing my side of the story. I’m not saying I’m the most self-aware human or was always the kindest to Yolanda but it definitely went both ways. Unfortunately the current narrative was that I was basically terrorizing her and it just really doesn’t seem fair.