TLDR: I have a lot on my mind. Ranting.

Hi everyone. I (18 M) just feel like ranting and getting shit out of my chest. I feel like a have a lot wrong with me mentally and expressing it may help ease some pain.

I live a perfectly normal life. Not to strict parents, I have friends, a loving girlfriend, I have goals that I want to achieve. But a lot of it doesn't feel real.

Something I noticed I recently started dealing with was this inexplicable urge to think about a lot of philosophical things. This may have stemmed from a challenging acid trip all the way back in February.

Every single day, at least once an hour, I get this wave of like. "Why should I be alive right now? My life doesn't matter in the scheme of the universe." And no matter what explanation or rhetoric you throw at me, it doesn't seem to work. I've tried it on myself. Actually, something I've always done is explain shit to myself as if I didn't understand it in the first place.

It's as if I'm reasoning the way I do even mundane tasks to myself. Why I wash my body in the order I do, or even trying to explain my political beliefs to myself as if I need to understand why I think the way I think.

I have this terrible obsession with my own thoughts. I can't stop thinking. I probably should practice meditation. Or start working out again. I hate to blame all my problems on something out of my control but corona really fucked up my mental health.

As I type this I'm reminded of another one of my recent issues, and that is Cardiophobia. I developed a fear of having a heart attack of some other heart problem. My chest starts to hurt and I feel like I might have a heart attack. Whenever I get nervous or anxious I tend to focus on my heartbeat and it makes me even more nervous. I'm scared to start exercising because I'm afraid my heart can't take the 180 bpm I was able to take not even 6 months ago.

I also have low motivation and how much I want to see my goals come to fruition doesn't seem to be enough to actually work towards those goals. Good for me though, I recently completed my English assessment essay for the college I was accepted to. So progress is being made.

I feel really beat down. I need to gather back my inner locus of control. (interesting way to maintain motivation, I suggest you read up on it.) I don't wanna regret my life choices now because I felt a little down.

But yeah, that's about it. Feel free to give guidance or tips. I'd love all the support I could get.