The voice in my head is not mine. It sounds like me, but it is not my voice. It's the voice of a disease that tries to cut me into pieces, that has made a home in my head for a very long time and has studied my whole life. This voice knows every mistake I wish I could take back and knows how to maximize the hurt and sorrow. I try to fight back. And in the light of day, I can fight back. But at 4AM, I feel weak. I don't have enough energy to fight back. My brain is telling me the same things over and over again. I deserve to be alone. I am going to fail. Scars have already made me ugly, so I should keep hurting myself. Go get the razor. There is no reason to keep going. I deserve to feel shame. I am a bad person. I am broken. I don't deserve you. I don't deserve anything. I have nothing to offer. I am a burden. You would be better off if I was just not here anymore. The whole world would be better without me. I am not a good enough friend. I am not a good enough daughter. I am not a good enough partner. I am not enough. I am not enough. I am not enough. Notenoughnotenoughnotenoughnotenough.

When I believe these lies, I start to spiral into suicidal thoughts, which then lead me to panic. I imagine this is what drowning feels like, only mentally. But I made a promise and tonight your existence is my reminder that there is good in this shitty, shitty world. There are days, like today, when everything is scary and I can't help but feel despair. In these moments I have to remember there are also days I sit on top of the mountain you don't even know you built. Where we laugh and smile and I know I can make it through this. So tonight I'm holding on because I want to sit on top of the mountain with you again.