I’m in physically and emotionally abusive relationship. It’s as textbook as they come with cycles of high highs and low lows, he has a honey-covered tongue and his apologies sweep me off my feet. I’m addicted to the cycle of abuse, no one in my life knows. I just look like a shitty friend and employee since I keep ditching plans for him. It doesn’t help that I have BPD, CPTSD, clinical depression and anxiety. I feel like he’s seen me at my worst and still loves me, so why leave? But I hate being here, I’m scared of him, something changes and he’s not my loving partner, he becomes erratic and shoves and pushes me around. Talks to me terribly. It’s awful, but I’m worried I won’t ever find someone who sees me and loves me the same. I hate being alone, it feels life threatening for people with my disorder. It’s pathetic and sounds stupid but I feel like no one will ever look at me the way he does, no one could make me feel the way he does. In the words of LDR, why wait for the best when I could have him? Is there even anything better out there?