Not sure if I’m beating a dead horse, having a hard time getting over it, or what my problem is. But I figured if I tell the story, it’ll help me get over it.

About 14 years ago I was in a relationship with a married woman. This wasn’t exactly a great choice we made committing adultery (I was single, she was married and unhappy). It was wrong for me to peruse a married woman; alcohol and bad choices played a great part in my rather lofty decision making. But to be honest; if it wasn’t me it probably would have been someone else. Needless to say, it ended very badly and we haven’t talked for years. I held a lot of resentment, blaming her for a lot of the problems.

About 10 years ago I finally admitted to myself that I was an alcoholic. Quit drinking and started putting in the work to rebuild myself and change. A lot of it was self-reflection; learning what’s and why’s of why I did and thought the way I did. It was (and still can be) a hard road. It can also be very lonely. It’s almost the kiss of death when you tell someone what you really are and the stigma that goes with it. I also suffer from anxiety; I don’t like crowds, have a hard time meeting new people and just prefer to be left alone. I keep a few close friends though and they are very important to me.

Part of my recovery is making amends to people I hurt and she was on the list. I had put it off, not knowing if it’d be a good idea to reach out to her or not. It did take a few years but about 4 years ago I kinda got hints that it was time. I was having dreams about her; she was crying (she NEVER cries) and was just not happy. I wrote an amends; apologizing and accepting responsibility for the things I’ve done and how it’s hurt her. I really didn’t expect a reply, maybe an angry response. But she did reply and it was a good one. We started chatting on messenger as friends. We just kept it at that. Mind you, I didn’t get the same in return, just a ‘it’s all water under the bridge’ which I was ok with. You make the amends to do right, not to expect anything in return. She’s been thru a lot since we broke up, maybe karmic retribution for bad choices? I don’t know. I don’t wish those things on people regardless, I think that’s kinda low.

Fast forward to last spring (I 51 now and her 48). We’ve both been single (me longer then her) and complaining about the whole dating thing and how awful it can be trying to find someone. I gave it some thought and asked her about how she’d feel if we tried dating/ seeing each other again (she is single and not married now LOL). At first she seemed kinda on the fence about it but would think about it. We hung out a few times and discussed it. I talked about some of my boundaries in a relationship and how I’d want it to be a heathy one, not toxic or damaging like it was before. Mind you I did come clean about myself being a recovering alcoholic. She is proud of me but I could see how she was worried that I could relapse. I tried assuring her that I wouldn’t or would seek help if I felt like I was going to.

We hung out a few more times as our schedules would allow; she has 3 kids (1 in college, 1 just out of high school, and a young daughter) and my son is grown up but still visits. We made sure our time wouldn’t interfere with our time with our respected children. Mine was easy. But her’s is obviously a little more complicated which I understood although I didn’t always like it. She had said that she has to weight the ‘pros and cons’ of dating/ getting into a relationship with me. That kinda dragged out longer than it should have. My close friends warned me that wasn’t a good sign; she’s probably made up her mind but doesn’t want to risk hurting my feelings. I also started to notice some things that kinda made me raise an eyebrow; changes in how we were talking and how sporadic it seemed at times. I finally decided (grudgingly) that maybe it wasn’t a good idea after all and called it off. I was kind about it but kinda hinted that she should probably work in herself to heal emotionally and mentally after all she’s been thru in the past. She agreed and ‘kinda’ came clean about not wanting to hurt my feelings. She was never one to be open about her feelings or able to show them; preferring to avoid conflict or attention unless in private. I am the opposite; I prefer to openly talk things out and show my feelings openly.

Things kinda got even more ‘off’ after that. I’m not sure what was going on with her end but it seemed she was backing off rather quickly; far more then you’d expect. We still agreed we wanted to hang out. But it was bad timing with things on her end. In early august it seemed like she wanted to but her schedule was just so busy that she couldn’t. I just replied “ok” and left it at that. I figured when she’d have the time she’d message me. Nothing. I just figured “ok, she’s just really busy or really tired” and still nothing. Mind you; I don’t always have to initiate the conversation so I just waited. There was a picnic I was going to and I did invite her to come along if she wanted to, just let me know. I didn’t hear anything at all although she did comment on my fb when I posted pics and videos of it. I really didn’t reply as I didn’t want to say anything angry or be spiteful.

It’s been total silence from her except for when I posted about getting a promotion at work. I simply said ‘thank you’ in the post but chose not to engage any further.

I can only speculate what’s going on. My general feeling is that she’s found someone else; I know she was talking to someone else during this whole process but they weren’t dating or seriously considering it (so I was told). Maybe she’s angry with me? I’ll admit that I’m not happy, I kinda feel that “ghosting” doesn’t solve any problems if you really want to be some one’s friend. But at the same time; I have changed in the last 14 years and don’t really feel she has as much as she’s said she has. One thing I have learned is that I should not apologize for something I didn’t do and I honestly feel the only things I’ve done wrong is having my expectations set too high and not looking at the situation with a clear mind. But that part is on me. I can’t pick her apart and say what’s wrong with her.

I really do want us to rebuild our friendship. But I just can’t always be the one expressing my feeling when they’re not getting reciprocated.

Sometimes it hurts. I try not to think about it. some days are better then others.