Hi everyone,
I’m struggling in my relationship and really need some outside perspective. I’m 31M, and my girlfriend is 24F. We’ve been together for 10 months, and I love her deeply, but lately, it feels like no matter what I do, I end up upsetting her, even when I’m trying to be thoughtful or caring. I’m really starting to feel lost and unsure of how to move forward.

Here’s an example of what I mean: My girlfriend lives with her parents, and there have been multiple times when she’s told me she was craving something, like a specific food or snack. In the past, I offered to bring it to her to show that I care and that I’m thinking about her. But whenever I offered, she would get upset. She’d say things like, “How can you expect me to explain to my parents why I’m going out to get food?” or that she felt pressured. I didn’t mean to make her feel that way; I just wanted to do something nice for her. But instead, it turned into an argument, and she ended up feeling offended. After a few times of this happening, I stopped offering because I didn’t want to make things worse.

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago—she had dental surgery and wasn’t feeling great because the tooth they removed had an infection. She mentioned that her cousin or aunt was bringing her food, so I thought she was being taken care of. I had no idea she was home alone. Then, out of nowhere, she started a fight with me, saying that I didn’t care about her, that I knew she was alone and didn’t even offer to bring her food or help her in any way. She was really upset and accused me of not thinking about her, but the truth is, I didn’t know she was alone or needed help. If I had known, I would have been there for her in a heartbeat. She said she mentioned it to me a few days before, and I swear I’m paying attention to what she says, but I honestly don’t remember her telling me that.

Then just yesterday, something similar happened again. We've initially discussed meeting but she said it gave her lots of anxiety and we decided not to do it anymore. Then she mentioned craving some food I was having, so I offered to bring it to her. I told her I could leave it outside her building so she wouldn’t have to meet me, since I thought, based on the schedule I know her parents have, that she was home alone for another hour or so. But instead of appreciating the gesture, she got really upset. She said I wasn’t respecting her anxiety and that I was making her feel worse on purpose, even going as far as to call me names like "narcissistic" and "diabolic." I genuinely wasn’t trying to make her feel anxious—I just wanted to do something nice for her. It's my love language, I feel the need to show her that I care and I love doing things for her. When everything was fine, I used to do all those things for her, I used to bring her lots of flowers with each occasion and try and buy whichever sweets or anything she mentioned she liked.

A big part of the issue is her family’s disapproval of our relationship. Her parents aren’t against her having a relationship in general; they’re specifically against her being with me. Initially, it was due to our age gap, but they eventually accepted it, though only partially. Then things took a turn when my girlfriend found out she was positive for HPV, a strain that carries high risks for women. It’s the type that cannot be tested for in men, and the only real protection is through vaccination, which neither of us had. Her parents believe she got it from me, and so does she, since she had two previous relationships, both with men who were virgins. But I haven't been adventurous neither, I've had long term relationships. This has deepened the tension between both us and her and her family. On top of that, her parents—especially her mother—exercise a high level of control in her life. Her mother knows everything she does and where she is, and she is constantly messaging her when she’s away.

This is just one example, but it feels like a pattern. Whenever I try to do something to make her happy or show her that I care, it somehow turns into a problem. And when I don’t do something because I’m worried about upsetting her, it also turns into a problem. I feel like I can’t win. It’s gotten to the point where I’m always walking on eggshells, worried that anything I say or do will lead to an argument. She also gets frustrated with the fact that even though we have these fights over and over, she feels like I don’t understand her or "get it."

She’s been going through a lot, and I understand that. She’s had health issues that may have been my fault, and there’s constant pressure from her family. I know this is really hard on her, and I try to be as supportive as I can. But I’m struggling too. We’ve only been seeing each other once a month or less for the past few months, and I miss her so much. I feel like I’m constantly failing her, and it’s affecting my self-esteem. She’s said things like I lack emotional intelligence, that I’m not a real man, and that I don’t take care of her. I’m trying my best, but it feels like nothing I do is good enough.

I feel so stuck. I want to make her happy and be there for her, but it seems like whatever I do, I’m doing it wrong. I don’t know how to console her or how to fix this. I’m also under a lot of pressure with work and other responsibilities, and this situation is taking a toll on me, even though I try to hide it from her. My productivity is low, and sometimes I just feel like I’m collapsing under all the weight.

Here are the specific questions I have:

1. How can I better understand my girlfriend’s anxiety and support her without making things worse?
2. How do I address the feeling that I’m always "walking on eggshells" in the relationship and avoid misunderstandings that lead to fights?
3. How do I balance my own mental health while being there for her in what seems like an impossible situation?

Edit: I think I didn't make that clear enough, we're meeting in person, for the first 5 months we've spent all the weekends together, we've also been to two vacations together and spent the new years. It's just that for the past few months, due to the situation with her parents.

Edit 2: I am amazed by the amount of support and advice I am getting from this community. I was not expecting that. Thank you!

TL;DR:
I'm a 31M in a 10-month relationship with my 24F girlfriend, and I'm struggling to make her happy. Whenever I try to do something thoughtful (like bringing her food when she's craving something), it often leads to arguments. Recently, she accused me of not caring when I didn't offer help after her dental surgery, though I didn't know she needed it. Yesterday, I offered to drop food outside her building, and she got upset, accusing me of making her anxious on purpose. Her parents disapprove of our relationship and this adds to her stress. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, and no matter what I do, it turns into a problem. She feels like I don't understand her, and it's affecting my self-esteem. How can I support her and fix this without making things worse?