I didn't have a bad childhood I didn't grow up for or anything I didn't have abusive parents I have very good parents and in comparison to most I had a basic happy good life up until a certain point I was very spoiled and didn't know it and really didn't have any struggles the only one big trauma from my childhood is that I had a cousin that was sexually assaulting me until I was 10 years old. But it started when I was so young and ended when I wasn't that young but it started happening less and less the older I got. Anyways that's maybe the only bad thing and I think I've made it past that really well and it shouldn't affect me at this point but I still let it. And that their folks was the problem I had a great life I had no reason to want or need I had basic living situation and had some of the perks that people around me didn't enjoy. I grew up well off and had a good life okay we've established that. But for some reason I liked creating my own problems. I liked getting myself excuses to act or think or do something that was self-destructive or hurtful to my life I like using the things in my life that in all reality weren't that bad I created more and more problems and I actually had this really big problem for a long time about lying a lot and almost about everything. So not only did I create problems out of thin air and made them bigger than they actually were to fuel my own horrible decision making. I created problems completely from scratch I lied about something and I lied about it so much to so many people that I had to believe my own life and it became truth it became truth to me so it became truth to them I was very good at it I lied my way through everything and even in basic conversation with throwing some outlandish facts that just popped in my head because I could and knew how to tie it in properly to truth that it sounded believable you're not only the people hearing it but to myself at the end of it all at one point I didn't know what part of my life was a line and what I created and came up with and what actually happened because they were so intertwined that I couldn't tell truth from my lies at all. I still have the problem sometimes and catch myself but I came to a realization that that's no way to live and if you lie about everything nothing has value. We can just create what you want people to see or feel or know. I think I stuck with it so long because it made me feel powerful the fact that I was telling complete lies and people believing me no questions asked. I digress and went off topic a little bit. But it ties in because I created problems for myself and used mental diagnosis and the fact that I had anxiety and depression just like everybody else in this world and I used those problems I created as well as my mental disorders as well as the fact that people felt sorry about me and I was addicted to people's pity. I would have suicide attempts but not really attempt just make people believe that I swallowed a handful of pills or cut myself but not deep enough to really hurt anything like I had these suicide attempts but they were halfway cries for help but that can't be fully right because the things I was crying out about were blown out of proportion problems and things I created in my own mind to justify my decisions and actions I use them as an excuse to make people not dislike me for these things but feel pity and want to help me and I thrived off this to fuel more and more self-destruction. And I've always had a relationship with drugs. And I was young I could control myself and noon to say when and was able to watch it well and be a functioning drug user and party goer I had no problems with it but I used also these disproportional problems that I made big in my own head and my problems that I just created with lies and also my mental disorders that honestly weren't even that bad at one point I just fed into them. But I used all of this in my life as a catalyst to give myself a reason to make my perfectly normal and good life something that I can justify destroying completely. And honestly because I wanted to do what I wanted to do and no one was going to tell me that I couldn't do it so I manipulated everybody into thinking I had very hard life and emotional issues and even things out of my control like not being able to control my anger or emotions or anything because I didn't want to control them I wanted to give every reason and justification I could to be as s***** and horrible person as I possibly could and get away with it. I did it to my family my mother specifically I did it to my wife I was so adept at lying and manipulation that I made this woman believe things that weren't true about herself things that she should know because she should know herself completely I was able to get past that knowing of self in her mind and implant an idea to make her think that she was always like this and made her believe things about herself that were not true at all and now that I'm admitting it all I know that I was a horrible person and I did it very calculated. Every step slowly and surely very calculated and very planned I did it and all to just and I didn't even think of it back then but now that I'm looking back on it. I did it all so I can act as s***** as I could and still have people care about me and still keep my relationships and still have my pity. I did it to not be left alone because I'm not a s***** person I'm a broken person and people don't leave broken people behind usually. People forget and leave s***** people behind really quick so I did it for protection as well I didn't want to be alone but I didn't want to follow anyone's rules I wanted to live indiscriminately and without consequence. So tell me does all of that make me a horrible person and I'm not able to come back from that. Does all of that really mean I was that person that manipulated that horrible horrible person. And there's no recovery from that. Will I remain that person fundamentally. Or is change possible to where I become at least a decent human being. Because since I decided to stop lying all the time and since I couldn't make out what was a lie and what was the truth in my life and made that simple change. I feel I become a very understanding compassionate kind and loving human being. I've learned to treat others with kindness and tell people to blunt truth regardless of how it makes them feel or anything I'd rather tell the unfiltered truth than another lie. So I have become a different person I feel. But I've been thinking that what I did when I was younger and how I justified everything was very unhuman of me and very just horrible disgusting putrid of me. It was wrong in every way. But are you able to make a change even the slightest such as no longer being a liar. And treating people the way I want to be treated. And giving everybody respect that they deserve. And just doing good things cuz I know good things will happen. Are you able to make a fundamental change and leave the piece of s*** we were behind and create a new.