My dating history hasn't been the best. When I look back at all the relationships and flings I'd been in since I started being involved with them, I just want to say sorry to my younger self. She gave everything to people that treated her like an afterthought. She deserved better. And I deserve better.

I started dating at 14, with my first boyfriend being much older than me. I had little to no self esteem and he was the first boy that had ever called me beautiful, and I would have done anything to please him. No matter how many hours of sleep I lost or how distant I became from my friends and family, I would have done it. Then we broke up.

My second boyfriend when I was 18 was finally my age, but he was even worse. He was the type to ignore calls and texts and would only initiate if I needed something. When someone would compliment me he would tell me I wasn't even that pretty. When I would get an award or achievement he would say it was because of him. He would withhold affection and would call me a slut if I wanted to get physical with him and would shame me in front of others for it, despite me being a virgin. Yet I still would have done anything he asked for. I would skip classes to meet him and stay out late to support him at events and tutor him in our shared classes. Then he broke up with me.

All the flings and fuck buddies after were no different. They would get girlfriend treatment without the commitment and I was fine giving it, again and again and again in a repetitive cycle. Each time they would throw me away and I would ask myself why I wasn't enough.

I'd convinced myself I was the one lacking, I was the one with the issues, I was the one that was difficult to be with. It was all my fault.

I spent a lot of time on my own. The solitude... I'd go so far as to say it was healing. I went to therapy, got my masters degree, started my dream job, got active, healed my relationship with food, dressed in clothes that made me feel beautiful, stsrted journaling, and rediscovered my love for my hobbies.

I'm 26 now. There was a guy I was talking to for weeks. He would tell me we were made for each other. He would say I was his dream girl. I didn't know how he came to those conclusions, though. He never asked me questions about myself, but I was always curious about him. He always gave short answers, but I was happy to reply with paragraphs. He never asked me what pleased me but I would be more than happy to give him whatever he wanted. And then it hit me.

No. I'm not doing this again. And I ended things. Me, not him. Me. There will be no more of this.

Life is too short to love with half of my heart but it is far too short to let myself think half-hearted love is all I deserve.