As the title says, this is a bucket list item for all of us, and many people in fact, and this trip costed thousands of dollars and half a year plus of planning.

Personally, I’m pretty stoked. I’m more so grateful that I’ve been blessed with a once in a lifetime opportunity like this to come here, but that’s really it emotions wise. Im not overly joyous, crying tears about it, or so “moved” by any of the things I’ve seen here. I love Japan and what I’ve seen but I’m not drowning in my emotions over it. Things that I have seen have been just “wow that’s pretty cool” and I’m okay with that. Only emotion that I do genuinely feel immensely is gratitude.

On the outside, this to my friends looks like I’m bored, sad, or not happy to be here cuz I am not geeking out or blown away like they are and they think I’m weird for that. Like I’m holding back my emotions or not allowing myself to feel good about it.

On the darker side of things, I’m an addict. Drugs, alcohol, and sex are something I’m deeply in recovery for. I’ve only been clean off substance for a year and I haven’t had sex in 2 months , still struggling with that one. There’s drugs alcohol and women very prevalent here and I am struggling deeply with trying to stay sober from that and if anything that’s something I am afraid of. I feel like if I get too excited or swept away i will relapse. The availability of women and booze is at every corner, waiting for me to bite. I’m just trying to keep right size and a lot of my focus is going to enjoying this trip peacefully with a sober mind. I know if I chase the thrall of excitements and thrills, I’ll end up somewhere very very dangerous and don’t know if I’ll be able to come back.

It sucks feeling like I’m weird for enjoying pleasures in a way I know how , safely, without being outcasted for it. They aren’t shaming me or anything but they’ve made some sly comments that have bothered me a bit. They don’t know how seriously I take my sobriety so I can’t blame them, I just wanted to share about it.

I’m just grateful to be here.