When i was a little girl (i remember being 12, but I could have been younger) I was assaulted by my cousin. (He was a few months younger.) My grandma had left us home alone. I remember calling my mother, which is why I’m pretty sure that I was around 12. Mg grandma came home and she asked me if i helped my cousin pull my pants down and basically only asked things that implied I helped/wanted it. They never spoke about it again. Told a teacher when I was a freshman, but nothing was done. A few years later i started therapy for trying to off myself. When i was in therapy i spoke about it, and he called CPS, which prompted in them picking me up from school (i was in high school by then & CPS pulled me from class) and yelling at me the entire way about how my cousin (or them) could go to jail. I was not allowed to go to therapy again.

I’m almost 23 now, and because I never really learned to be social or on my own, I don’t have anyone to talk to, so I tried talking to my mom because what happened was on my mind. It’s not something i ever forgot. I remember it vividly. I said that even though I don’t want anything bad to happen to my cousin, I understand now why some victims tell their story years later, because it bothers me now that no one will ever know this happened to me. My mother immediately started screaming at me. She said "the way you describe it now is not how you described it then" (this isn’t true, I tell the story the same every time but even if I didn’t was 12, how tf do you expect a child to properly explain a traumatic event when you never taught me anything about sex?) and that I should just "move on and forget it.”

I tried to explain that I can’t. She said that she's "trying to focus on something that's actually important regardless of what I think" and that "it can't be considered rape because we were so young and he didn't know any better" and that "i'm always lying on people and that's why no one wants to talk to me" and that it's "not worth someone going to jail over" and "why am i bringing it up" and "i need to be in therapy again because clearly i'm going to keep bringing it up" and "i go through enough with my aunts it would just be worse if that was ever brought up" and just completely went off on me like i was doing something wrong. Of course, I got defensive. And when she said he “didn’t pull my pants down by himself” I said “yes he did, for the fing record.” She continued yelling over me, and picked up the broom (it has a metal handle) and told me that if I spoke to her again “she would be the one to do something to me.” (i.e. beat me.)

I sat in the kitchen and cried for a while, because I don’t think my grandma remembers what happened and I don’t want her to ask because she might get upset too. My mother came in and turned the lights off on me. Because of my autism (I am high functioning ig) & depression I struggle with being an adult. I am stuck in this house where no one cares for me. I only had my grandpa, and he is now deceased. I only wanted my mother’s comfort. I know it’s stupid, but I just wanted her to love me for a moment. (Originally posted in vent, but it was removed from there.)