I hate that speaking has become so hard recently. I'm scared and worried about my responses not being go enough and getting yelled at for it or getting a dissapointed or angry response. Mainly i have my family to blame for it. I admit that I am not the greatest kid in the world for them.

I'm heavily nervous when being alone with my mother's husband and I don't trust him. Whenever you speak to him, he makes everything about some life experiences he had or something he is going through. And his volume is always above a 10. He yells at everything and gives you this death glare when you don't respond or if you don't respond in the right tone. So I just go completely radio silent.

My sister & brother are jokesters and they are just so judgemental and expect everyone to have a damn smile on their face or up to talking. My brother makes jokes about all of my interests. My sister is always upset because she says that she is not a mind reader and I should speak up around her. TRUST ME I WOULD IF I COULD!! It's nerve wreaking to speak around them for even more reasons then these because if my response isn't up to par, it's like being middle school wondering why everyone is laughing at you for answering a simple question or laughing at a teachers joke. So I don't speak nor respond.

My mother is the only person. That I have full fledged conversations with but now I am losing trust in her too. I want to speak, i really do but i doubt every response in my head. I don't think my response is worth giving. I don't think my response is wanted. I can't stop thinking about the right response so I just don't respond because I'm afraid & scared & worried & and sometimes I just think I don't have a proper response to the situation.

For example, I went on a college tour yesterday with my sister and mother. I wanted to ask questions but I was scared of wasting people's time and/or asking to many questions (i know its a tour but i was scared okay). I just sat back and listened because I didn't want anyone to look at me funny or hear me stutter. But my sister was upset that I didn't ask questions and that I didn't talk at all. They said that I looked like I didn't want to be associated with them at all (I have a pretty stoic/slightly un bothered resting face) and that it must have been a waste in time since I didn't speak. I wanted to invite her to go see the college with me not ask questions. I can't speak that well infront of a whole bunch of people (it was only like 10 other people). I was scared. I didn't mean it that way. And I wanted to say I didn't mean it but nothing came out my mouth. All I could say was sorry. That's it. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it."

This being said, I'm a terrible child for my family. They think I'm rude for not responding & not smiling. They think I'm crazy for mental health reasons I'd rather not mention. They think that I'm intentionally trying to make things harder for myself & for them since "they aren't mind readers" (they aren't really accepting of mental health either.).

I don't know what to do. I used to be able to speak freely at home with no worries. Now I can barely manage a full sentence with out regretting it and shutting up for the rest of the day. Now my friends want to hang out today and I don't know how to muster up the courage to ask my mom for money because I am still too nervous to speak or text her because of how bad I acted yesterday. First I struggled talking at school & now i struggle talking at home. I just want to give up and stay in bed all day.