Hi, there.

As the title explains, I need to vent about having had selective mutism. I'm going to try to summarize what made me come here: when I was about 5 years old my parents took me to a pedo-psychiatrist because they were scared I might fail at school. I was a shy kid, who would only speak to certain classmates and one of the teachers (kindergarten, at this time). The doctor told my parents I had selective mutism.

Well, my life has really gone downhill since then. I'm 26 years old now. I live alone. I struggle in finding jobs to pay my bills since I still suffer from selective mutism (I guess (?) Because my life has been just this, thinking about what kind of freak I am, who can't just go out and make friends like almost everyone else... I mean, now I think it is really "only" selective mutism. But I've been a whole year thinking I was autistic (no offense to autistic people when I said "freak". I respect and understand you.).

Ok, that was a big parenthesis... 'cause I'm trying to avoid the tears that made me start writing this... I feel I have skipped EVERYTHING! I fkng crying now... I've never gone out at night when I was a teen. Never finished high school. I never had a group of friends to go out with and end up in trouble. And I NEED to do all that! But I can't go back in time and just *finger snap* become a non-selective mute child. But I feel I will never be alive while the clock hands don't move backward for 20 years. And it's too late now. I could have smashed a car with a rock and... "oh, boys will be boys, off you go". Now if I do that I go to jail.

And that's it. I do have a therapist, by the way. But I can't find the courage to tell him all this - selective mutism... So... has anyone here ever felt like me? How can I be happy? Thank you.