A little over 5 years ago, I had brain surgery. The surgeon lied and said there were no complications. The complications led to some brain death, and you guessed it, seizures.

My seizures are nonmotor so nobody knew I was having them. I was getting this weird feeling once in awhile but or 5 goddamn years, I was told it was A. Anxiety/depression, B. I was lying, and C. I was over exaggerating.

In the past 18 months, something changed. I declined rapidly, I started getting soooo angry, and I felt like i was justified. Worse then that, I was losing time, and come to find out, when I exited, a horrid monster took my place. He said terrible things, he threw things, he broke things. So much that my absolutely wonderful human being and loving wife began to get terrified of me. She would talk to me about the things I did and because to me it didn't happen, I had no choice But to think my wife had lost her mind or was gaslighting me for some unknown reason. She would say it so much that I secretly recorded an argument to prove that she was wrong or making it up. That is not what happened. I sat and listened to a complete stranger say terrible things to her. Things I would never ever ever say. I could hear her fear and it broke me.

You would think things would have changed immediately but now I was struggling with thinking I had snapped. And my anger was still there and I was feeling even more justified because it was proof that I wasn't lying about having no memory, so I felt like she didn't see me and only thought the worst in me and even upset because she couldn't get over the things that weren't in my control. Rationally I know it's absolutely stupid and unfair for me to think she could or should forget. But it didn't help.

Now to her, she stayed, she heald strong, she switched our insurance 5 times in order to get the right Dr that would just fuckin get me a referral to UCSF instead of calling me a liar and doing absolutely nothing to help me. After 5 years, she got me there. you can't imagine the things I put this woman thru, with no end in site, with me getting worse every day, and no hope or patience left, she still held strong.

After awhile, I started to plan to leave. I didn't tell her because I knew what she would say. I had everything all but lined up. The reason I Did this was because out of all the things I/he did, I hadn't hit her yet. She was literally afraid for her life. She was doing all this and sooooo much more, All wife fully believing that I was going to kill her. The thought of me hurting her was unbearable. I 100% would kill myself if I ever hurt her. So I was going to leave. I was ready, but I selfishly couldn't walk out the door. I feel guilty and selfish for that because I let my love for her, keep her in danger.

We finally got treatment! I did a 5 day EEG at UCSF and they confirmed my seizures, and the feeling I was having, WAS ABSOLUTELY seizures. My seizures came from a place that explained all my symptoms. So after a long road of appointments and upping my meds, I went from 4-5 a day, to 4 in the last two months. The 4th one was over a month after the last. Things were getting better with my anger, I stopped losing time, my wife assured me that my alter ego hadn't shown his face. Then a few days ago, I had one at night and went to bed. I woke up angry AF. Not at anyone, just angry. I told her about it and we went easy that day. The next couple of days were less and less angry until I wasn't anymore.

So after telling you way too much, here's my point. During aaaalllll of this, she dealt with insurance, Drs, bills, we take care of her grandfather with dementia and that all fell on her. So we're talking insurance, Drs, bills, meds for him. I was able to do his meds, breakfast lunch and dinner but only the bare minimum while she took on the world!! There's so much she did that I couldn't possibly say it all but she held strong, when I wouldn't even have faulted her for leaving.

Now that things are getting better, her fight or flight response has settled and left her with a mountain of shit that 10 people couldn't handle. I can't help her with a single thing. I take care of her gramps, I clean the house, and make food. It's too dangerous for me to do anything else because I would only fuck it up and cause more work for her.

For all this and so much more, I'm thinking about leaving again. I can't leave her hanging with her grandfather so I have no idea what to do, but I HAVE to figure out a way to lighten her load or she's going to break. Even more than she already has. I have no idea how she is still standing, and neither does our therapist. Or our individual therapists. I just don't want to be the dead weight that's crushing her anymore. She is drowning in a pool of acid and I'm just watching her sink without a clue in the world of what to do. My memory hasn't come back especially short term. What do I do!? How do I make things easier for her!?

TLDR: because of a TBI and seizures, I've all but destroyed my wife and our marriage. I am a massive burden. I don't know how to make it better.