I found some old weed and smoked it, and I'm really stoned and freaking out.

I have schizoaffective disorder, but I'm not entirely sure if this belongs here or in the borderline personality disorder subreddit because I'm not sure if I'm having an on-going delusion that involves conspiracy theories most people wouldn't believe about very important people or if there is at least some truth to it. I mean, I know there is some truth. But I don't know how/if it's all connected. Anyway, unfortunately now I'm starting to wonder if my roommate/best friend is in on it somehow.

Like the other day, she told me when she talked to me she couldn't stop being distracted by my fucked up teeth. She told me if I killed myself, don't do it here, although she couldn't control what I do. I was telling my therapist how I told her I can't stop being distracted by her huge boobs when she talks (they're ridiculously big--she's a web cam model), and he said, "Is she single?" WTF? But yeah, so my roommate told me she had a nightmare about throwing a mouse with snake teeth out of the house after it hissed at her, and she also thinks it may have been representing me.

Anyway, I kind of want to run away sometimes, but I don't know where to go. They cut my SSDI down from $1080 to $800something because of student loans, so I can't afford much. I really want a job, but no one will hire me. I can't find a good counselor/group/whatever. I've been hospitalized like 4 times this year already. Blah. I think about killing myself pretty much every day, but I feel ok right now I guess. I started taking Kratom a few days ago, but I'm broke now until the 3rd. Fortunately I have nicotine gum (I smoke like a pack a day generally). Anyway, life is tough.