I think the worst I had was when I called home after I finally got myself admitted with intentions of seeking the help I needed rather than serving out 72 hour tdo etc and finessing my way out the door as quickly as I could manipulate the docs to pop the locks and let me out after the timer expired. I was brought up taught that mental health issues were a weakness and a mark of shame and a huge flaw. It would be something people used to exploit me or box me in and file me away or use as an excuse to mistreat me etc. As a really young kid I was severely abused neglected molested degraded drugged and encouraged into delinquency in all sense of the words. I even had an attempt made on my life made by my own mother at the age of 4. She caught me acting out sexually and in stead of trying to figure out how I even knew how to go about the shit I was doing with another child my age she instead wigged out. She dragged me in the living room and more or less tossed my small body onto the sofa. Ended up pinning me into the corner of it. I remember her more or less behaving like a raving fucking lunatic herself. Rage attack. She ultimately took one of the sofa pillows and placed it over my face and I remember everything went dark. Now I know I was young but for the most part while it's not perfect I have a near total ability to recall the visuals of memory content with photographic clarity. I don't hold that for words. I also remember smells that way too. Well when things went dark my cinematic recall has a black hole that has what seems to be several days worth of time lapsed in which the next recollection I have was waking up in my bedroom early hours of the morning. I don't have my recall tied to time. I don't recall specific dates or times that even significant events occured... even recent shit. Trying to remember what year this or that happened ends up frustrating me immensely and forcing an answer out of me seeking "to the best I can recall" will end up resulting in what is more than likely a wrong answer and if you're the type to go back and try to validate these dates and come back and try to accuse me of bullshitting when your date search came back something different is totally a dick move.

Regardless I acted out a lot all over and schools etc insisted more or less I see someone. I didn't trust adults. Most doctors I got dragged to spent most of the appointment speaking to my mom. Perhaps dad if he was sober or even home to come. They were fuckin nervous it seemed I would end up revealing their dirty secrets to these shrinks. They'd have me in the other room to start but they'd eventually move be to the play rug behind mom/dad before they left the room and allowed me to begin free play with toys. Very shortly there after the doc was moved to have my folks exit and would ask me to come sit in a chair if I wanted. I'd ignore him. Every one of them. Every attempt they made to probe at me I more or less acted like they didn't exist I just kept playing. Any attempts to ask anything particularly uncomfortable only provoked Mtmy play to become physically aggressive and violent. They didn't know i was being instructed over and over all week and the whole way there I didn't have tell the doc anything I didn't feel like talking about and he can't make me tell him secrets .... obviously looking back thus was them hoping beyond hope they would not get exposed. My refusal to comply lead me to a lot of different docs and therapist and even neurologist and such. All kinds of drugs tried. Diagnosis of conduct disorders. I can't recall all of the various meds I got placed on and force fed at home. The biggest impact I got from one came in form of side effects and that came in 4th grade when they stuck my little ass on a big dose of fucking Haldol. I ended up not being able to stay awake in school and NY straight a grades from the very start sagged to Cs and Ds. I literally could not stay awake. I ended up developing an array of nervous tics that ended up moving my treatment exclusively to a neurologist who eagerly diagnosed me with tourettes. Obviously I wasn't slumped hard enough on the Haldol alone and this dickhead added clonidine to my med regimine to treat the tourettes stating it can make people sleepy but I'd adjust. I fell out so hard in class I was having moments of apnea and I was literally pissing myself. Remove one of these? Nope! Add imipramine to treat the involuntary urination. Eventually he caught a clue and I got moved over to some nasty black label listed med called pimozide. They added a script for Ritalin to me not so much for add or adhd but in hopes it would functionally wake me up.i did wake up but I was hella zombified and the Ritalin ended up exacerbating the hell out of the nervous tics. This fuckery kept up until I made it to 9th grade.i had gone.from am academic whiz kid to a flunkie barely scraping by to the next grade having to attend summer school more than once to keep from being held back. I knew high-school GPA was important so I asserted myself. I was tired of them having the raw audacity getting angry and insulting over my poor grades insisting I am capable of better I showed that before and now it's like all I am is a complete fuckup and that I should be ashamed of myself for settling for this level of performance. Told them I wasn't taking another fucking pill or visiting another head doc and if they tried to make me i would ensure they regretted it. I made them a solemn promise to stay the fuck out of trouble and stop fighting in school. And just because I'm fucking weird doesn't mean I have to actually act out every fucked up thought I had so I promised them I'd can that too...

Move forward what seemed an eternity I decided to self admit and submit to whatever they decided was required. I cut the bullshit lies hiding manipulation and perhaps the biggest thing I elected to do was willfully shed the shame I felt from my families lessons regarding opening up and talking about the total magnitude and range of the array of symptom clusters I experienced and lived with. Dealing with trouble up to and including incarnations along with many failed relationships and ruined credit and burned bridges and destroyed career paths etc. Each time I got blindsided with a tdo I just ate the blame. Let then drive the narrative of why and basically express remorse as best I could fake something I didn't even understand shit there were worlds worth of experiences in later years I couldn't even verify the veracity of at all. I didn't know much of what was really real or what my mind had tricked me with. After my intake and evals and Diagnostic phase... I called home. It was something I ended up regretting by the time the call was over. My mom and younger brother were at her house. They conferenced my dad into the call. He was of course drunk and really didn't offer much beyond frequent belches sighs of exasperation and intermittent repeated the phrase I fucking told you about this shit you moron. You're no son of MINE. I more or less explained the shit that had happened thus far and they rushed into asking me what they had told me was wrong with me. Like I figured all that they cared about was what specific type of mentally fucked up I was. That's why I bothered even calling I figured I would deliver the courtesy of answering the age old question of "What the fuck is wrong with Ronnie?" I had multiple comorbidities bit the only 2 they latched on to were the 2 of schizophrenia and aspd with extensive primary and secondary characteristics of phsycopathy present. That's all that mattered. They heard the psychopath schizo combo and my mom gasped like in shock and said oh my God Ronnie...you really ARE a monster...the line went silent. Dad said. No som of mine... and my brother came on the line as my father finally found the right button to actually disconnect the call. My brother got like... accusatory and very condescending in his tone like all the sudden his simple minded border line retarded ass was superior to me was flat out "RONNIE!!!...You KNOW ..WE did NOT ask for this!" It took me a moment to process through the medication fog to process the fact the little insipid prick bastard had the incredibly hateful and disrespectful position that somehow this mental pain and anguish I MYSELF have to suffer all my fucking life... was somehow not at all a concern with how it effected me.... all that matters was how it was somehow in his mind somehow a burden they feel like I've wronged them by forcing THEM to bear it somehow.. like I should be ashamed for doing this to them somehow. I went on a long and extremely hateful loud and yet somehow thru the meds and rage still eloquent and elegantly delivered for maximum emotional damage infliction for how his stance was absolutely so self centered and inconsiderate that he may want to go and consider contemplating suicide with serious reasons that he should even himself not be so fucking remedial that he couldn't see if that he needed to give meticulous methodically and sincere consideration to opting to going ahead and using one of his guns to go ahead and vent that useless fucking brain inside his skull. I suggested his 12 gage with 000 magnum rounds to ensure maximum velocity of force and removal of the choke to allow the spread pattern to open wider since 000 had fewer pellets and he didn't wanna fuck around and live by somehow missing that useless peanut tucked down in that dense void of absolute shit behind his eyes. He needed to ensure the force at the focal point of impact was at maximum velocity so just that alone would ensure a delightfully messy amount of damage. And when it was all said and done the world would be a better place because thoughts like the one he for whatever was not ashamed to admitting he even had in there would all be left behind him. Quite literally. Told him to do it at mom's. That way there was someone who needed to see what that mindset deserved and of course someone there to clean up the last funfetti mess he would ever make. He stayed of the phone. I don't think he understood a lot of it . He really is fucking low iq and I used a lot of "big ol fancy words like I do to make him feel stupid"... but he did grasp I was instructing him to blow his fucking own head off at mom's home so she could clean it up and I think I heard him sob.mom grabbed the phone from him and told me very sharply that I really am a monster and this is just more proof. She told me that I am NOT going to be allowed to go around stomping on everyone else's feelings just because i don't have any of my own. Called me a piece of shit and started in on something else and I screamed off into the ward trying to get her attention more than folks there to make a threat her way. I hollered very loudly. Someone come deal with this piece of trash excuse of a human. I hollered very clearly I'm here by my own choice and can leave by the same.... come put her in her place please before I choose to self discharge and go and stick her ass in the fucking dirt with the worms. She claims to be jesus' where but I reckon I put her ass deep in the dark in a box with them nails off in the woods all alone it ain't to the pearly gates she will go. If cerebus does chew her ass up after crossing Styx satan will certainly have fun fucking her over for all eternity just as she did my entire life.....hellbound bitch give lucifer my good tidings and dap belial up. You've showed me your demons you silly bitch and they merely made me stronger. here now behold as I cut away my own skins and roll back my own disguise and reveal to you the TRUE nature of MY dark soul. . .. the staff had me at this point. Comfy cloths butt drugs and a little room all to myself ended up turning that voluntary admission and ability to leave of my own free will into a thing of the past. Rofl but it was worth it .... I did end up seeing her in person once more later.. and my father once more as well. I haven't spoken to either of them at this point in over a decade likely closer to 15 years. But last time I saw my old man I ended up in a brawl with him. He was drunk and even in his aged state he was still hateful and very overly confident in his prowess as a badass.

One thing I didn't mention was the translation of my frequent violent behavior and fighting from middle school that I had to end in high-school into an outlet it was otherwise allowed and managed to get myself attached to a older chinese fellow that was a friend of my family (mom's side but not my mother specifically) who had been over here for a long while but had spent his life a practitioner of kung fu and between school and trying to work to make some of my own money I spent the rest of my time with Le Sifu and was taken initially on a teacher disciple 1:1 basis. I was extremely honored and diligent and gave my fullest devotion to this practice and I ended up forgoing typical teenage shenanigans of chasing girls and such trying to get laid and all that into learning all I could from this small and slight old man who demonstrated numerous times that his slight presence was his greatest asset because he was oft immediately underestimated. He was a fuckin amazing practitioner. I miss him tremendously. One human being that I actually respected and honored rather than opted to go all out psycho and charm beguile manipulate and take them for all I could before they had enough and ran for the hills. I saw people in general as simply things there for me to use....

Anyways... I've carried on enough. I just wanted to open up and share some of MY personal struggle obviously this was just a peek into the cliff notes whereas the full story is more like an oldschool unrated grindhouse cinema flick that left you feeling somehow personally accostedand somehow uncomfortable having viewed it lol... main stream horror ain't got shit on me. Perhaps here I'm just making light of my own shit but I went thru hell and i was forged in its darkest depths and tempered in its hottest flames... I was handmade with the finest of dark lucifarian alchemical practices and I'm presently on a personal quest that I've taken up the mantle to carry out until the end of time and back... I am seeking the big ass red button out there in the universe and all its dimensions and multiverse variable function calls to the point of infinite. I don't care if I search and never find it. I'll eventually get far enough out there to transcend time and once there I'll ask the atman, the universal one, for directions... cus when I do find it.. . . I practice that grin and laugh daily for belting forth as I mash that bitch in as I mock the do not push in big bold letters. System reboot time if that day ever gets here. Fuck your simulation instancing and holographic universe. I'll head on back to hell then I guess. Home sweet home.