17, my mental health started to really deteriorate at the start of quarantine when I started to have anxiety attacks for the first time. It was really bad and I had never felt anything so intensely bad before. All of my periods were way worse as well, thoughts of suicide & not wanting to do anything at all. Then I started hanging out with friends more & it got better & then it got worse than before, I started self harming & I started doing drugs, mostly just weed & it got better & then it got worse & for a while I was in a weird state, my mental health was good but at that point I was smoking everyday & my mental health got worse & then it got better for a long time after & moved in with my sister for a little, still smoking everyday but my drug use got a lot worse so I moved states to live with parents so I’d get away from drugs but now it’s just way worse I feel so bad & I get so overwhelmed over stupid stuff & all I do is eat and talk to my friends back home . When I’m doing things, staying distracted, it’s ok I’m my usual self but when I’m bored and stuck in my thoughts I get so sad. There’s a lot more to everything but genuinely I just want some help. I’m terrified of dying so I don’t want to kill myself or anything but I just don’t want to live like this. I get headaches all the time, and I’m constantly crying and after I start crying over one thing I just work myself into this state in which I’m reminded of all the bad things that make me sad. My parents don’t really know about the drug stuff, I feel it’s good enough that I quit by myself, but my sister thinks I should tell them so they know how bad stuff actually is? The reality though is that I don’t ever want to tell them. I would rather pull all my hair out than have to talk to them about anything of the sort. It makes me so uncomfortable I physically cannot talk to them about it. I know they’ll never trust me again or look at me the same if I told them about anything I’ve been up to. And it just makes me so uncomfortable. To the point where if there’s a dirty joke or something in a movie that’s funny I will purposely hold on my laughter because it makes me uncomfortable to laugh at a dirty joke in front of them. It’s not like they’re even super conservative tho. My mom smokes weed & my parents know about everything my older sister did when she was my age. But they raised her completely differently than me. They used everything from corporal punishment to breaking into her phone and reading all her messages. Even the way they would talk to her. She’s 4 years older than me and I had to watch all of that. My parents have never looked through my phone & they stopped using corporal punishment when I was in elementary school. I’ve never had a boyfriend or showed much interest but I’m just really secretive. Even when I’m not doing anything wrong, like I’ll be on the phone with a friend and just hang up on them if I hear my parents coming because it’s just too much effort to explain who I’m on the phone with. I’m not uncomfortable with telling them how I feel though. It took a lot but eventually I told them about my self harming and they said they’d get me help, never did and then they moved. & I tell them when I’m depressed and how it makes me feel. They try their best but they don’t really understand mental health like my sister did. In fact, my dad has on multiple occasions said how stupid and selfish he thinks suicidal people are and how he doesn’t believe in medicating. & he’s constantly telling me to control my emotions when I just can’t. My mom said she’d get me help again after I told her I was going to kill myself a bit ago, but I’m just scared that she won’t like she didn’t before. It’s like she just wants it to go away & she acts annoyed when I randomly start crying in public like I can control it. I had told her last year that I needed help and she said she’d get it for me but then I got happier for a moment and it wasn’t as urgent so I didn’t bring it up but then I’d get sad again & when I told her I asked her about the help I needed she said “we’re still on that?” or something like that. I just want help. I was still doing bad but I felt so much better on drugs.