My first time.

This is my first time talking publicly regarding my story or how I feel. Even with anonymity I feel ashamed to even admit my weakness.

I’ve struggled with the fascination and allure of death for a long time.

When I was a child I was abused and molested by my father. And I watched that same man years later break my mother’s heart and look to me for solace. I internalized everything happening and never spoke to my mother about it until years later. And she didn’t believe me. Until my sibling came forward and admitted that it had happened to them also.

During this time of new information, I found out my fiancé was having an affair with my friend. I didn’t handle it well. I was upset and wanting to let it out. I wanted to hurt my father for hurting my sister. I convinced myself that it was the only way to end this pain. But I persevered and with the help of my mother and a close friend I was able to push back on the temptation of suicide.

I moved on. Almost a year went by and I met this girl. Who took me by surprise. The most wonderful human being I’d ever met. The most supportive and pragmatic person I’d ever had the pleasure of meeting. She had a gorgeous soul. But a broken one. I set my own feelings aside and tried to be the most supportive person I could be. I didn’t want to lose her. Long story short. She devolved feelings for my best friend. And they both lied to me. They took a vacation while I was watching her house and animals. They had both been lying to me about their feelings for each other. And made the decision not to tell me as to not hurt me.

And also within this time frame I was issued a warrant from the Friend of the Court for a petition of my parental rights. From a previous relationship.

I feel incredibly alone. And I feel like I don’t have much more fight left in me. I know there’s been good times in my life. But I can’t help but focus on them.

I can’t help but think that maybe once my heart stops, the pain will stop.