I am pretty sure that I am a fucking coward. My life is terrible and just not what I imagined as a child. I feel guilty that I couldn't give her a better life than what I have right now.

I live from day to day with no friends, no real plan of what is going on. I throw myself at men hoping to get some love and warmth, I desecrate my body. I hate myself and my body, I don't like the way I behave, I hate what I do to myself - I can't do anything about it. I skillfully ignore it only to feel that hate and anger again. I don't want to feel anymore, how can I turn off these stupid thoughts? How can I behave like an adult and achieve something in this world? Actually it doesn't matter, the earth is spinning without me. When people tell me to stay, I just think that society has made them say that - what difference does it make if people who don't know me stop me? In the end I don't do it anyway and why? I hate pain, I hate pain. I'm afraid of missing out, maybe I'll get my life together after all? - No, I don't think so. I don't think. I won't change, nothing helps. I don't want to change, I love being sad, I'd like to be sadder - I don't want to be happy, I want to be happy. I don't know, I want to keep this state, I don't want to be like others - but I do, every trend I run after I change to please others as best I can - I don't know who I am - who am I? why don't I feel like I'm 24? why do I feel like I'm standing still? back then? why didn't anyone care, back in school when I tried to put an end to it in front of everyone? damn it I was only 13, how can a kid think of something like that? why didn't anyone care? why am I like this now? why does no one still care? I could be here, cold and alone and no one would know. I will be lonely, forever - I don't want to look for anyone, I want to be found, but how will anyone find me if I am the way I am? I want to be like them, I want to be pretty, no I want to be special - am I special? how many tattoos do I need to be special? how revealing do i have to dress to be seen? i'm afraid, i'm afraid of looks - i'm afraid of them doing it again, i can't dress like that - i don't want to dress like that, but i want to be beautiful, i want them to look at me and be envious. I don't want to go down, I want someone to see me, I hate being seen, I hate it. I hate it. I actually like it, I like being the center of attention, no I don't. I want to go, I want to stay, shit.