[this was written before i found out you’ve been lying to me daily for the past four months, and never intended to stay with me. just makes you far, far worse than what’s written here.]

just how could you make me feel so uncared for, so unwanted, for so many months. every past wound i told you to please take care around, you reopened.

justify it however you want.

you are more heartless than anyone i’ve ever encountered, because at least they never misled me to the degree that you did.

religion won’t absolve you of anything—nothing will. because you don’t face what you’ve done, you just run, numb, and cover it up. you threw away a lengthy relationship with no hesitation whatsoever, because i had the audacity to once again state: “i feel alone.” i feel no shame, knowing i did all i could. supported and understood your selfishness to my absolute limits. withstood all the broken promises of calling when your dad went home, coming back in january, march, now june. and i would’ve still been okay with that, had you made any effort at all. to keep me involved, to seek my advice—to communicate.

you’re only “sensitive” when it suits your needs—when you need something, or desire to dismiss someone’s emotions or inquiries. and when you lash out? even over the pettiest reasons? it must be pmdd, or anxiety, or your boundaries—which must be adhered to at all costs, even as you trample all over mine.

so i have no guilt in this, not even for the harsh words i went out on. people treat you with kid-gloves, because you act like you’re timid, but really you’re just selfish. everything must be your way; you’re the eternal victim, never to be made uncomfortable, even through stating my own discomfort and insecurity.

you chose everything about what you’re dealing with. i don’t buy anymore that you got into a marriage, with no love or thought put into it. you made those choices—and no, it wasn’t out of the kindness of your heart, or to please “god”. you made that decision for yourself.

yet you couldn’t choose me. someone you say you loved. week after week of making me feel like there was zero stability in us, until i lived in this haze—not of long-covid, but of even being afraid to state my needs, my emotions, my complete lack of connection with my partner. i gave you all the love i’ve never been able to share before. all the attention, companionship, care, comfort, support, and security you wanted. i was always there for you. and this is what you have to give in return?

you say you were trying to “help me”? or “help your ex”? what—by making us think there was a committed relationship and love present before taking it away like it’s nothing?

you were never helping anyone but yourself. helping yourself to what others had to give and then backing away when you’d had your fill. you won’t fight for it, you won’t tell me the truth about things, you won’t keep me in mind when you make any decision at all—we weren’t a partnership. you’re a user.

all those beautiful moments meant that little to you, that you can just end this in a snap? not even try to persevere? act as if a handful of times where i got “angry” defined our entire relationship? i don’t focus on the times you were angry at me. i focus on times like, the uber ride back from the concert, having that pastry and tea afterwards, in blissful hushed tones due to the late hour, before sleeping next to one another for the first time. after such an incredible day. do you ever think about just how many days like that we had? because there were many. almost all of them were. to me, at least. they formed my most precious memories, and i would’ve guarded them in any way. if you don’t feel that, then you used me. i was nothing more than a fun distraction for you. i’m not the one who ever chose to throw away that entire year. but you’re the one who keeps pushing to do it.

real guilt, that burns at a person, like an itch they can never locate the source of—that’s what all people like you deserve.

you told me, back in december or so, one of the cruelest things i have ever heard. that i needed to learn my lesson. that the world is cold and love can’t always be there for you.

that is your world, and now you’ve proven it to me.

so you go live there.