I finished treatment on June 15. I went through the dip which lasted two and a half weeks. It was terrible anxiety where I would wake up in a panic attack and was unable to move. My limbs felt like ice, like cold terror running through my veins. I started experiencing derealization/depersonalization and things felt “off”. Everyday I would have to take Xanax just to get to my appointments.

It did go away. But somehow it came back 10 days after my last treatment. Excruciating anxiety and rumination like I’ve never experienced in my life. The only thoughts in my head are that one day my loved ones are going to die and I’m going to die and there’s nothing I can do about it. I keep thinking that nothing any of us do matter because we all die, even the Earth will die and we will be nothing. I constantly obsess about this fear of death and not existing, god and the concept of eternity, etc. I have been hysterical with sobs, shaking, unable to eat, unable to move from my bed. I literally feel like I’m going insane.

I have never had thoughts this strong before, never had such a reaction. The only thing the doctors can think of is it’s because I POSSIBLY have a family history of bipolar, though I’ve never been diagnosed (and you’d think if I had it then one of the 7 therapists/psychiatrists I’ve seen over the years would have caught it).

Nothing else in my life has changed, my meds have stayed the same. TMS is the only thing I can think of. I’m not writing this to scare anyone off, but be aware if your Dip is like mine you may want to talk to your doctor about stopping because it might indicate what will come later.