I just wanted to get all this off my chest.

My first week or so of treatments felt great, other than sinus and jaw pain. But the day after my 9th treatment I had a massive spike in anxiety. Literally the night before I remember thinking “oh I finally feel okay” and the next morning I felt so anxious that I hid in my room all day and didn’t eat. That was two weeks ago and that type of anxiety comes and goes on a daily basis. I started experiencing derealization and then I had these catastrophic thoughts that everyone I love is going to die and I can’t appreciate the time I have with them now. Then it was “my work/passions/interests mean nothing and I’m going to die without ever feeling fulfilled”. It probably doesn’t help that I just graduated from college and am trying to figure out how to transitions into the “real” world. I’m going for my 20th treatment tomorrow but I noticed that over the weekend I had a sharp increase in depression and hopelessness. Combined with my anxiety, I thought I was suffocating. Every now and then I feel “okay”, still worried about the future but not so much that my blood feels like ice. I try so hard to remember this feeling of being “okay” so that I can keep my sanity when I feel everything is horrible. I have to keep reminding myself “I know what it’s like to feel better, I just have to have hope that it’ll return”

I guess everyone’s timeline is different but I wonder if I’m in the middle of a dip or maybe just starting one.