TL;DR - grew up rich, now not rich anymor

Yeah I know I am hateable and an example of many things wrong with society.

So I grew up rly rich, like REALLY rich in Europe. My life was so awesome. I was born and from right when I start remembering things everything was just great. My mom loved me, my dad big business man with a nice big ego, and I even had siblings!! We were vibing and balling out constantly. Private jets, dinners with politicians and other low-key celebrities, and everyone at school was nice to me because they wanted to be my friend so that they could come play at my house which had an elevator in it.

Then my dad got arrested and went to prison for money laundering and govt froze a bunch of our assets and suddenly the giant pot of gold became a much littler pot. Mom panicked sent me and siblings to boarding school in the United States, because also this shit was in the news so our name was being hella dragged.

Then I go to boarding school and I love it. Wearing kilts and button downs, having sex every day with my super hot boyfriends while I myself also was very hot, and everyone had sex all over campus, like some sort of R version of Harry potter/Zoey 101 type of thing. The whole dad in prison and we don't have money anymore thing was overshadowed by how awesome my life was in boarding school. I rly didn't care.

But then when it was time to go to college I got into a few really good schools, and one much shittier school (but gave me a full ride except for room and board after freshman year). I was like mom, dad, hello???? let me go to the best school obviously? They said NO we can't pay the tuition (I could've taken out loans but I didn't rly understand all that and my parents didn't either bc Europe). So I go to the much shittier school for free. But it's a fun college town, I'm vibing, and everyone is still hot.

I joined a sorority and freshman year was so sick and fun. I was partying everyday, drinking and doing drugs. I was also surrounded by people who were really not that bright, but in that really fun Southern way where you just designate each person as the "X" friend. So I had a "mimosa" friend and she always wanted to make mimosas before going to darties and talked a lot about juice cleansing. I also had a "baseball" friend and he only ever talked about baseball and took me to baseball games. It's cute and simple in that way.

Anyways. Then Sophomore year of college my dad actually goes to the slammer and then shit really hits the fan. My mom is losing it and is becoming erratic and very mentally ill, sending emails to my dad SCOLDING him while CCing me and my sisters -- so we all know how he's ruined the family, even though he can't open the emails because he is in jail.

At my college you have to move off campus after freshman year. So rent was being paid by my parents until..... October of that sophomore fall!! Mom calls me and says "WE BROKE PAY UR OWN RENT" and the world froze.

It was like That's So Raven "genie" moment meets falling into a hole in the ground, and feeling like your head and body are separating from each other. I cried and cried. My sorority sisters felt terrible for me too, and I had to drop out of the sorority because I couldn't pay the dues anymore either. Then I went on Craigslist and found a job in a restaurant. So now I'm both in college and working 4-5 nights a week. At least it was a very nice restaurant. I often ran into my ex-sorority sisters and frat bros, they'd bring dates or their parents into the restaurant.

This is when I noticed something -- a rift? I'm shifting social classes, but the opposite way than usually intended. It's a strange experience, and not a popular one to tell people about, because I sound like an ungrateful snotty asshole, and maybe that is what I am.

Anyways, this is where I truly start to descend into madness. I start drinking all the time and become a full blown alcoholic. I'm going to class drunk, I'm always drunk. Two bottles of wine a day, then slowly crept up to nearly two double bottles a day. Then my Junior year of college, my youngest sister is very depressed at her boarding school and wants to be closer to one of us. So my mom sends her to a boarding school in my college town and now I (kid you not) become her legal guardian. I was going to her parent teacher conferences, all this shit. Actually it's great she came down, because of her, I started going to AA meetings and cleaned myself up so I could be there for her.

So I start working a 12-step program at age 21 (yep) and I was sober from booze for 4 years. Didn't really make things that much better though. I had to move into a cheaper house with more roommates for my senior year to keep up this whole work/school shebang and graduate on time.

I graduated on time but without all the other things I was supposed to get and it's my own fault. I don't have a network, career outcomes have been mid, I didn't spend all this time studying and with friends and diving into what I wanted next. I was surviving the best my bratty self could manage. And to me what I had been 'subjected' to was really torture and I'm still not over it. While I haven't completely "failed to launch" and make a decent amount of money and have my own apartment etc. my life is so fucking sad and boring. Kid me would've never believed this would be adult me.

Old friends from childhood are in surreal social strata and doing so well and I can't believe how I just managed to claw down. What is wrong with me? Why am I so addicted to preserving my misery?

I've had plenty of opportunities to take other paths that I've fumbled. I have low self-esteem and I am a coward. I am scared of actually trying hard and facing more failure or rejection. Two of my siblings have very cool awesome lives, so I know it's me and my decisions, and not bc my dad lost all the money.

I am extremely depressed and cycle daily between nostalgic memories and thoughts of leaving the earth all together. I've experienced such highs and such peaks through NO effort of my own, it's like the rest of my life is destined to be a valley because I don't have what it takes to make my own life super amazing again.