would you give into the impulse to publicly and unashamedly express ur thoughts and feelings? thru art and writing and such.

Recently I have tried being less reserved and more vulnerable in my self expression and artistic practice. Yet a part of me is deeply afraid/aware that people see this as madness, attention seeking, histrionic behaviour or whatever.

I have been informed that my vibe fundamentally unsettling and autistic which drives people away despite me being conventionally attractive. It tracks because the guys I’ve been involved with since my last long term relationship will find me super interesting until we sleep together and I open up to them emotionally. It’s like they get to know me - then see something rotten and move on.

Sure, I have a desire to express myself and share this with the world. But a fundamental insecurity around driving people away and being weird/off putting works against it. This internal opposition is starting to really torment me and I don’t know what to do.

Nonchalance and being ‘normal’ don’t come naturally to me, and seem kind of miserable anyways. However I don’t want to be alone 4ever and I would like to experience genuine love one day :(