I've posted here before about my mother (72) who has had severe RA for probably 10 years now (it started suddenly, with a severe attack) and has not responded to any medications or lifestyle changes, at all. Things have gotten worse since my last post, and I'm just posting here again for support because it feels like we are completely alone.

Last night, it looked as though she was dying. Vomiting, fever, at least a 9.5 on the pain scale. Joints hugely swollen, hot, and red. Her body was twitching and spasming, but other than that she could barely move. She sobbed and moaned and cried out and pleaded all night. We did NOT take her to the hospital - not sure if this was the right call but please don't judge us. We wanted to call an ambulance, but decided that since there is really nothing they could do there it would not be worth putting her through the trauma of the emergency room. We decided not to take her there until she really definitively needed it or would consent to it.

She's feeling a bit better now, but not sure if she's on the mend or if the very large amount of medication she's taken is finally doing something. Unfortunately, it's a holiday so we can't get in contact with any doctors (we'll try though, of course). Urgent care is on the table if she needs a bit of support recovering, emergency room is on the table if there's a repeat of last night.

She's had probably 5 of these episodes, but this was definitely the worst yet. Her care team knows that this happens, but they don't have anything to say other than "nope, that's not normal. Sucks to be you."

It just sucks. She's been seeing the best rheumatologist we could find and was trying a new drug, which she took yesterday. She had been doing a bit better, and had a good week - just a couple days ago she was dancing and having fun. I'm 26, but emotionally pretty young and dependent with attachment issues, and I don't have any siblings. I'm struggling with depression already, and am confident that losing her will break me. My dad is healthy but is susceptible to cardiac issues and I'm terrified of the strain this is likely taking on him.

I always knew that since my parents are older I would lose them at a younger age than most of my friends, but I'm not okay with it. My first memory is a nightmare I had about losing her from a terrible disease, and now I'm living out my first and most horrible nightmare sooner than I thought. I'm grateful that I had an amazing childhood with my family, and I'm grateful that in the past few years we've been able to mend our relationship from some big issues we had, I'm aware that I'm lucky, but I'm still angry we won't get more time, and I'm angry that she's suffering with no help in sight, and I'm utterly traumatized.

I just wanted to vent it about to people who I know understand. I don't know what I can do to help, and my guess is that I can't do anything, and there's nothing left to reduce her symptoms or slow the progress of her disease. But I appreciate any insights or kind words, and I hope that you are all well.