Sorry this is insanely long but I feel all the details are relevant. I'm also sorry I typed this on my phone so there's probably typos. Also just want to say finding this sub has already helped so much, first part I read was from a woman who's experience was almost exactly like my wife's, and there was a comment on it describing exactly what I've been dealing with. So thanks to everyone for sharing on here and helping me feel like I'm not alone.

My[M/36] wife[W/32] and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4 years. About a month ago I had stopped at a sex shop and picked up a new toy for myself which got here talking about how she was jealous of how open I can be about my sexuality and how I generally don't care about who knows (other than family) about that side of me. This led to her opening up about her sexual history, and it boggles my mind how this never came up in ten years. She revealed that she had been very sexually active at certain points in her life, and that she had slept with over 50 people before she met me. She also told me how she probably hooked up with 10 people when she went to Florida for a week for spring break. I say probably because she spent most of the time blackout drunk and doesn't remember a lot (more on this later), but she remembers that she somehow ran into guys who were on the wrestling team at her school and was hanging out with them and last thing she remembers is being in the shower with one of them, but she later heard them bragging about "running a train" on her, which she is very much not happy about happening. I initially thought that they took advantage of her, but I've since reminded myself that there have been a couple times with me where she gets very drunk and becomes like a sex crazed animal, and now I think it's plausible that she got like that and actually wanted, in the moment, to get with one guy after another. Anyways, my reaction to her telling me all this was to tell her how society can be very prudish when it comes to sex and things like this are overblown. The night ended on a good note and we went to bed, but then my mind started running and I couldn't sleep with images in my head of my wife being with so many guys and doing things I never thought she was capable of. The time since then feels like a blur. I struggled with my feelings and we've sat down and talked about how we feel several times, sometimes things got a little heated and sometimes we both remained calm and understanding. There were times where she quickly would get defensive and I would have to explain myself better because I really am not trying to shame her for anything about her past. However all of these talks have ended with us reassuring each other that we love each other and that we both will work to get through this. One talk we had, however, left me feeling absolutely terrible about myself and the sexual aspect of our relationship. It started with me talking about things I've done with girls in an attempt to make her jealous or feel a similar feeling to what I had been feeling, which I was upfront about this being my goal and she agreed to take part in this conversation. I know this was probably unhealthy but I was reaching for something to make me feel better. Everything I said was met with wholehearted approval from her, and how she bets I enjoyed my time doing such things. Absolutely no jealousy or resentment from her whatsoever. She even added how she thinks it's cool that I hooked up with one of her childhood friends before me and her got together. Nothing I had done phased her at all. She then apparently felt like it was her turn to share some of her experiences, and they all pretty much absolutely wrecked me. I acted cool in the moment but once again over time they ate away at me. She had mentioned in an earlier talk how she had a foursome once at a party with two guys and another girl. One of the guys she said was just a fuck buddy she had (the other girl was also fuck buddies with him), and she described the other guy as a short guy who was known for having a huge dick. Both these descriptions tore me up, but I'll get to that later. Well during our little jealousy competition, she talked more about things she had done with her fuck buddy. She talked about how he "taught her to give her", as well as a few spontaneous, fun, adventurous sexual encounters. She also talked about how she was hanging out with another friend, whom she for some reason told me she would high five and brag about their hookups but never hooked up with each other, and one of his roommates was a "Brazilian guy with a motorcycle" and how, once again she didn't remember but heard about later, he was apparently such a good lay that he had her screaming and digging her nails into his back so hard that she drew blood. Now I know I can't expect to be the best man in the world when it comes to sex but that's fair and away more than I've gotten out of her. We also had talked about how I had felt that I had a sort of "sexual trophy case" of things we had done together, and these conversations about her past had made me feel like my trophies were yanked away. So I tried to salvage the night by finding a trophy that I could claim in the future. One thing she had always talked about was that she lived the idea of having a date in a cemetery, so I brought that up and she quickly shut that down, saying her and her fuck buddy were on their way to a friend's house and spontaneously pulled over and fucked in a cemetery. At one point she slipped and said the guys name, and I eventually found out who it was. This guy was dating my wife's roommate when her and I first met and was around all the time, and he was generally considered a huge douchebag. Her response to me figuring out was panic and explaining to me why she didn't tell me. She said she was worried I would see him around town and start something. Also, I asked who the other guy she had a foursome with was and she immediately said he "has never had a Facebook", which makes me think she's just hiding his identity. Anyways, this night left me feeling very inadequate and emasculated. I had trouble in high school with feeling like I was always in the "friend zone" and I felt that insecurity setting back into my head. The thing is, in a vacuum I wouldn't judge anyone for living the life she lived. But her being my wife and me only finding out about this part of her this far into our relationship drives me insane. A big factor is that our sex life has never been something to necessarily brag about. I'd describe it as good, not great, but in the passed 5 or 6 years has fallen off in frequency to the point that I've looked up dead bedroom advice. We have had some fun encounters, mostly involving having sex in the woods or on a mountain, one time in the alley behind a bar, but these are few and far between. I can't help but feel like the sexual part of her was satisfied, worn out, and out of gas by the time we met and she has no more fantasies to fill and no desire to try new things in the bedroom. I'm questioning whether she ever found me sexual attractive or if she just stayed with me because I was sweet and respectful and made her feel comfortable. I know she loves me and I've always been proud of how good our relationship is but all this really shakes up my confidence in what we've had. I find myself having trust issues which is something I've never had with her. Part of this stems from the fact that almost every story she's told me, she only remembers a few details but says she doesn't remember most of it, which makes me think she's hiding things or protecting my feelings. I'm also struggling with the whole fuck buddy relationship. It feels like she was willing to do whatever this guy wanted and fulfill all his fantasies, despite having no emotional or romantic connection, but he was "fun". She said the foursome happened when he approached her saying that his friend was dealing with his dad's death and he wanted to cheer him up, and that was apparently all it took. The whole "teaching her how to give blowjobs" is literally the story of porn that I've watched. I hate the fact that some guy she didn't have feelings for has "better" sexual memories and could beat me in a bragging contest about my wife. And who knows what the other 50 or do guys have that they can brag about too. We've talked about how a threesome was always my number one fantasy, and how it feels like she gave two guys that experience but has little interest in fulfilling that fantasy for me. She says she's open to it but wants it to happen "naturally" and doesn't want to put effort into making it happen. We tried going and getting a lap dance together and she was very into it and told me she didn't feel any jealousy, but several days later told me she was "worried about how it made me feel like a threesome was more likely." I understand her having feelings for me changes things and I accept it (and I don't want to pressure her or guilt her into it) but I still don't like it. I hate that every time I get head I wonder what things he taught her. I hate that when I'm masturbating I have to be careful because certain genres of porn I used to enjoy now trigger me and kill the mood because I just picture my wife with another man. Just the fact that she had this relationship based on fun, adventurous, porn level sex and also was seemingly frequently on the prowl for a hookup drives me crazy because I always felt like I was breaking her out of her shell for the years we've been together. She has told me, teary eyed, that if I need to go off and fulfill my needs with other women that she would still stay with me if that's what it took for me to get over it, but I don't want that (although I have regretfully had these kind of thoughts). I love our relationship and by no means want to end things. She's been great at listening to me, she's agreed that her keeping this to herself until this point, when we're married and have a child, denied me the chance of accepting her fully before tying the knot and that isn't okay and she's apologized for that. She's agreed that this was a bomb that got dropped on me and that is valid for me to have a reaction. She's done things to spice things up in the bedroom and increased the frequency of sex by a ton. I really feel she's honestly sorry and wants to make things right. Her feelings about her past range from regret to feeling like she was just having fun and living life to the fullest. I feel terrible that she feels worse about herself now that I know the full truth and am having a mental breakdown over it. I really wish I was stronger and a better husband that could just accept the past and make her feel that it's all ok. And I just want to get back to feeling confident in our relationship and our sex life but I really don't know what else to do to get rid of the jealousy and frustration. I feel like she's walking on eggshells because she knows how vulnerable I'm feeling and doesn't want me to feel bad. How do I move forward in a way that helps me get back to how things were?